A character in The Simpsons
Played by Julie Kavner
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
In 21 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (12), Marge Simpson (9), Selma (6)
[Homer runs naked across the kitchen, trying to escape the Krusty the Clown doll and pass by Marge, Patty, and Selma, who are having lunch. Patty and Selma stare, wide-eyed, then lower their eyelids in disgust as they put down their forks]
PattyThere goes the last, lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
PattySo it's true, your hair committed blue-icide.
Patty[realizes Homer snipped her hair and transformed it] Who undid my do?
PattyJustin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone?
[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor]
Marge! Marge, where's the baby?!
Patty[pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!
Shut up!
Patty[stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!
[furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!
Homer, does this mean...?
Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
[horrified] Good God!
Bart, I bet you think nothing's gonna top that cactus. Well, check out my present.
Next.
Bart, be polite.
Next, please.
Bart, I've noticed...your birthday presents are a poor crop at best. [picks up a present] I hope this turns the tide.
[Bart opens his present]
PattyOoh, just gorgeous.
Now we can be twins.
[as Bart & Lisa were stuck inside Patty & Selma's station wagon]
Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
PattyDon't worry about yourself. We've got six months of maternity leave so we'll never gonna use anyway.
Homer, can you bring Maggie out?
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
...In your bed?
PattyUh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes!
[The sisters leave]
I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams]
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]
Heh-heh, mule.
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
Monorail!
What's it called?
Monorail.
That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
I hear those things are awfully loud.
It glides as softly as a cloud!
Is there a chance the track could bend?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
What about us brain-dead slobs?
You'll be given cushy jobs!
Were you sent here by the Devil?
No, good sir, I'm on the level!
The ring came off my pudding can.
Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
[Homer is eating expired meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer [as his stomach grumbles]: Ooh! Stomach...churning! [keeps eating the expired ham. His stomach grumbling gets more intense. Begins to double over]: Bowels...clenching. Not much time. [falls off the couch, off-screen]: Must finish! [eating sounds]
[Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street, sirens wailing]
[Establishing shot of Springfield General Hospital. Cut to a sick Homer in a hospital bed with Marge, the kids, and Dr. Hibbert standing over him]
Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.
[whip pan to Patty and Selma with a purse]
PattyHey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]
[some time later]
Your old meat made me sick!
Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]
This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!
Okay, ten pounds.
Woo-hoo!
[Cut to the same ambulance as before speeding down the street, sirens still wailing]
[reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?
It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.
What does "deadlocked" mean?
It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.
Uh-huh. And "if"?
Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
PattyThat's not going to happen, Homer.
Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
What are all of you voting?
Guilty.
Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?
[everyone else groans]
Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
PattyWhen are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.
[Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed, meaning Homer is no longer bound by agreement to be subservient to his in-laws.]
Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all wheelings and dealings.
PattyHe blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
[gasps] You told!
[Homer throws Patty outside first then accidentally throws Marge by mistake; Homer runs to get Marge into the house.]
Sorry, Marge. (kiss) [Homer then throws out Selma] I never want to see you again! You either.
[In echo voice] Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Homer, where are you?
Uh... I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!
Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Just a second! ... No, it's a place I've never been before!
PattyHeh, the shower! [Patty and Selma laugh]
Hey!
Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
PattyNo.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.
[Frink draws a strange diagram on the wall]
Well, where's my dad?
Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.
[switches the light on] Sorry.
[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.
Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.
[gasps]
This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.
[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?
Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.
Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!
[Wiggum takes out his gun and fires into the wall]
Take that, you lousy dimension!
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
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