Doug quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again! [He begins pulling the pig's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [Sir Oinkcelot starts squealing in agony]

Doug

Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.

Homer

Of course he does! He's a cute little piggy! [Continues pulling Sir Oinkcelot's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [The pig viciously bites Homer on his hand] OW!! [turns red with anger] WHY YOU LITTLE...! [Homer lunges at Sir Oinkcelot, but Bart and the nerds restrain him]

Doug

Uh, question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09*, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Gee, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

Uh, well, uh...

Homer

I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Doug

[embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]

Comic Book Guy

[after Richard is kidnapped] Whoa! He's gone!

Doug

There must be a Stargate in this stadium!

Everybody look for it!

Comic Book Guy

Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!

Everybody look for her!

Willie

This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!