Montgomery Burns quotes from The Simpsons

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season! And remember: a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. [Smithers whispers to him] Hmm?... What?... Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award".

...this prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons! Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood, and someone who can really point at genitalia.

I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.

Grab your scripts, people. We open in twenty minutes. Break a leg! [to a passing man] I said break a leg! [the man takes a hammer and hits the knee of his right leg, which cracks] For God's sake, man, it's a figure of speech! You're fired. [the man hobbles offscreen]

Yeah, the war's over and the future won. The past never had a chance man.

I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.

Hello, Smithers. Fancy seeing you in casual encounter park.

I don't hand out candy, you son of a Grinch.

Beware, rabbits. I spy with my transplanted eyes.

Mr. Burns

[offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge

[to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

[chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Right, sir. It's...scalding me as we speak.

This is my offer, I think you'll find it's most unfair, but those are the breaks.

But, uh, Mr. Burns, zhis is half of vhat we paid you!

That's my final offer. Take it or leave it!

All right, Mr. Burns, you vin. [frowning darkly] But bevare - ve Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine...

[mockingly] Oooh, the Germans are mad at me! I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! [ducks behind Smithers, who can't help snickering] Uh-oh, the Germans are coming to get me!

Stop it.

Hans

Stop, sir.

Oh, don't let the Germans come after me!

Hans

Please stop zhe "pretending you are scared" game, please.

Oh no, the Germans are coming after me...!

Stop it.

[pauses briefly, then resumes] Oh no! They're so big and strong...!

Hans

Stop it.

Stop it, Mr. Burns.

Hans

Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.

Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--

BURNS, STOP IT!

Mr. Burns

And I'm really enjoying this so called... iced cream!

Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that.... I... love you.

Hm?

In those colors! [to himself] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!

Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

Excellent.

Excellent. [hisses]

Next!

Ex...cel-lent!

Next!

Homer

Exactly. Heh, heh... d'oh!

Next!

Excellente!

Es muy bueno.

Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Smithers, are they booing me?

Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?

BOO!!! [throwing at Burns]

Hans Moleman

I was saying "Boo-urns."

Homer

Hey, everybody! If you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dying or something! [Hans Moleman enters Burns' office]

Hans

Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.

Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. [pulls out a drill and points it at Moleman's head.]

Hans

[offscreen] Oh no, my brains...