Abe quotes from The Simpsons

My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star!

[grabbing Homer's arm] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on then pull'em down! Cause it's time for a spankin!

Settle a bet. Boil or mole?

A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!

Listen up Seniors! Together, we survived the Depression, won a few wars and put a man on the moon. In fact, the only mistake our generation made, was creating that generation! [points at Homer, Lenny and Carl dancing around Homer's burning car]

[wearing an elf hat and having some mashed potato on his face in the shape of a beard] I'm Santa?! Oh, now I'll never die.

Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]

Ned

[furiously and annoyed] STOP IT!!! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [Lovejoy and the churchgoers gasp] Oh, can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!

Helen

Well, Ned's just jealous!

The man's hepped up on goofballs!

Let's sacrifice him to our God! (the room falls silent as everyone looks at Grampa in horror): We did it all the time in the 30's.

And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR US!?!

Jasper

Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!

Well, what do you people like?

Jasper

Sleep.

Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!

MATLOCK!!

Well, I suppose I could name it the... "Matlock Expressway"!

Homer

I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger, and no-one in my family's gonna stand for it. [foghorn sound]

[on Matlock Ex. with Jasper] Move your goldarn house, son!

Homer

Hereee's JOHNNY! [notices the room is empty] D'oh!

Homer

Daaaavid LETTERMAN! [sees Grandpa, who finally found his way to the house after being left at the gas station earlier in the story]

Hi David, I'm Grandpa.

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

[screams]

Homer

Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo, it preserve the things you love. [Homer looks the tattoo on his arm] "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

[points at birdbath] Deeaaaaath!

"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."

"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."[distorted due to technical problems]

"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."

[gets up] Well, I'm sorry, but it was 150 degrees in the car!

Lisa

Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Eh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back at 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!

Chester

Those corn muffins were lousy!

Paint my chicken coop!

Chester

Make me!

Marge

That does it! One of them has to go!

Homer

Okay, Grampa.

Marge

No, the B-U-M.

Homer

Oh...

The gin in your martini

We remember our first visit

The service was exquisite

Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Come on now, you were working here

Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart

To shut it down now would be twisted

We just heard this place existeeeeed!