You tried to kill me! I want a separation!
S3Black Widower
S3The Otto Show
[Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice]
SSign
EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
OOtto
Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice!
LLandlord
Yeah, that was me.
OOtto
You?! But why?!
LLandlord
Because you haven't paid your rent.
OOtto
Well... can I at least get my stuff?
LLandlord
All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.
OOtto
[astonished] Wow! I had mustard?
Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
What conversation?
[Bart plays a tape recorder]
BBart (on tape)
"Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"
Marge, what were you thinking?!
That's not my voice!
Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape!
S3Bart's Friend Falls in Love
[about his Magic Eight Ball]
You shake it up, and it tells the future!
Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]
[Homer ordered a subliminal weight-loss tape, but he was sent a vocabulary improvement tape instead.]
Dad, do you know what today is?
The vernal equinox?
No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.
Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!
S3Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?
[about his broken couch] Why did this have to happen now during prime time when TV's biggest stars come out to shine?
[At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]
This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
What about the Emmys?
I stand corrected.
[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
HHerb
[to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
[Homer opens the door.]
[surprised] Herb?
[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
BLBart and Lisa
Unky Herb!
HHerb
[hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
[rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...
HHerb
I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.
Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
HHerb
I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!
S4Kamp Krusty
You're serving us gruel?
Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.
[Krusty has arrived at the camp to deal with the Bart-led riot]
How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
[crying] They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!
Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
OH MY GOD!! [sobs]
Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Was it a nice hat?
Oh, yeah.
OH MY GOD!! [continues sobbing]
S4A Streetcar Named Marge
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Quiet!
Sorry.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.
Hmm.
Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
I don't think so.
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?
[sighs] No, Homer.
[Back in Springfield Community Center]
My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.
AApu
I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.
OOtto
My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!
Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!
I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.
[Opening number of "Oh, Streetcar!"]
[The curtain rises revealing Chief Wiggum standing in front of a set resembling the New Orleans Superdome
CWChief Wiggum as chorus member
Long before the Superdome,
Where the Saints of football play,
There’s a city that the damned call home,
Hear their hellish rondelet...
[The set rotates revealing a New Orleans street set surrounded by the other chorus members]
CMChorus members
New Orleans!
Home of pirates, drunks, and whores,
New Orleans!
Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores,
If you want to go to hell, you should take a trip,
To the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Mississip'
New Orleans!
Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile,
New Orleans!
Putrid, brackish, maggotty, foul,
New Orleans!
Crummy, lousy, rancid and rank,
New Orleans!
[Introduction of Blanche DuBois played by Marge]
HLHelen Lovejoy as Stella
[To Blanche] [In a New Orleans accent] What's the matter, honey? Are you lost?
MAMarge as Blanche
[In a New Orleans accent] I'm looking for my sister, Stella.
[In the audience] It's mom!
[Homer, Bart and Maggie look up to see Marge is now on stage]
BBlanche
My name is Blanche DuBois.
[singing] I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras...
A never-ending party... [pause] Ha!
I'm a faded Southern dame without a dime...
Apu as Steve the paperboy I am collecting for the evening star.
BBlanche
Come here, I wanna kiss you just once... softly and sweetly...on your mouth...
[singing] I am just a simple paperboy, no romance do I seek..
I just wanted forty cents, for my deliveries last week...
Will this bewitching floozy...
Seduce this humble newsie?
Oh, what's a paperboy to... doooooo?
[Blanche kisses him] Woo-hoo!
["Stanley's torment" musical number]
NANed as Stanley
[yelling] Stella! STELLLAAAA!
[singing] Can't you hear me YELLA!
You're puttin' me through HELLA! Stella... STELLLAAAA!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.