[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]
Hey, you did the best you could.
VVeterinarian
I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.
S3Dog of Death
S3Colonel Homer
[discovers a submarine on the big screen] That submarine is so fake! Look, you can see the strings! [gasps] An octopus!
[with an idea given to his brain] I've heard how this ends! It turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter! [the entire audience boos at him, throws everything] Hey, it's pretty obvious if you think about it!
C1Cowboy #1
Hey, you! Let's fight!
C2Cowboy #2
Them's fightin' words!
Duff, please.
BBartender
[deep voice] We don't sell Duff. We sell Fudd.
NNurse
Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gallbladder!
DDoctor
Put it back. Put it back!
MMoe
Fudd? I thought it took that off the market after those hillbillies went blind.
Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night and... [Moe cuts him off]
MMoe
Wh-- Wait a minute. You went to another bar?
Moe, I was 100 miles out of town!
MMoe
Oh, Homer.
I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?
[pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."
[Lurleen records a new song]
Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,
When the coach called me up to the plate,
I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',
My average was point double oh eight.
So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,
And pointed right towards center field,
This time I'm hitting a home run,
This time, love is for real.
I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice
A lovin' fly for you,
I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,
I struck on a love that is true.
I used to play the field,
I used to be a roamer,
But the season's turning 'round for me now,
I finally bagged me a homer.
That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.
SMStudio Manager
Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]
KKindergartener
Gross!
TTeenager
Thanks for dinner! [car leaves teenage Homer behind]
GAGirl at Booth
No!
At least can I have a dollar?
I'll love you for the rest of your life.
S3Black Widower
Emmy Awards. Krusty is giving a speech
And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers, Colonel Coward, Pepito the Biggest Cat in the Whole Wide World, Sideshow Bob and Suck-Up the Vacuum.
[The screen crawl for Bob says "Live from Springfield Penitentiary", and the crawl for Suck-Up the Vacuum says "Now filming movie in Spain". Krusty opens the envelope to reveal the winner of the Best Supporting Performer in the Children's Program Emmy Award.]
Krusty {cheerful}: And the Emmy goes to... Krusty's mood changes when he opens envelope
Krusty {grumpy}: I don't believe this...Sideshow Bob!
Live feed video shows a man shaking hands with Bob as he hands over statue
This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
No-talent shill!
Second banana!
Panderer!
Bore!
[Bob is restrained by prison guards.]
Stop it! Release me!
[He gets injected with tranquilizer fluid, knocking him out.]
Uh, now for the highlight of the evening: Best Film-to-Video Transfer.
[The scene changes back to the present.]
That MacGyver's a genius!
First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!
You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!
No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!
NO! [runs out, sobbing]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.