To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems.
S8Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
S8Grade School Confidential
[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
So I looked out the window, and there it was the grossest sight I have ever--
[through speaker] Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately!
[in the principal's office]
Now, Bart... son. I don't know what you think you saw but uh, let me assure you that...
What Seymour- oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
Is it... too late to say that?
Mmm-hmm!
[cough] We're just a little concerned. If people were to find out the principal was dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.
[chuckles] And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage-
Like me, for one!
Like you, for... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.
[Wendell and his colleagues get food poisoning from the oysters at the Princes' backyard.]
Oh, my tummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy!!!! [collapses on Martin Sr.'s shoes]
Martin Sr.: [to Martha] I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters!
I'm ruined!
[punches Martin] Ha-haugh... [collapses on the ground]
Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
Baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers! [Sarah dials the phone] Thank you, Sarah!
[to Bart, who is keeping her busy whilst Seymour and Edna sneak out] I collect pictures of wedding cakes from different periods. [She opens a book containing photographs of cakes] It all started in 1969 when Good Housekeeping featured a picture of a lovely cake.
You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
Oh my, no. Don't care for cake, too sweet. [points at a cake] Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have that much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I turn the page.
Aw, can't I just turn the page for you?
[slaps his hand away, harsher] No! [sweetly] But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.
Erm...O.K. I'll take...that one.
[slaps his hand away] NO!
Aah! What the-
You can't have that one: that's a coconut cake!
Excuse me, Edna, I don't think we're talking about love here! We're talking about s-e-x, in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!
"Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down!
S8The Canine Mutiny
Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
[yells angrily] He unholied the holy water!
That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.
[gasps in terror] You didn't crucify him?
[hearty laugh] No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.
And then buy something or get out! [Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.] Angel.
I'm going to get the dog back!
The bad dog or the good dog?
The bad dog.
Oh, good.
Excuse me, did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Harper?
RMRepo Man
Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.
[At Patty and Selma's front door]
No Bart, I did not buy your dog. Now, I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band aid.
[Inside Groundskeeper Willy's shack]
WWilly
Yea I had your dog and I ate him. [takes a bite of chicken]
[Gasps in horror]
WWilly
Aye, I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts and I 'ate the way 'e's always barking! So I gave 'im to the church.
Oh, I see! You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
WWilly
Aye, I also 'ate that mess he left on me rug.
[Bart gives a puzzled look]
WWilly
Ye heard me!
S8The Old Man and the Lisa
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church, or [finger quotes] "synagogue". Questions?
[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]
Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
Are there any real questions?
Yes. Does your plant have a recycling program?
"Re-cy-cling"? [He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say, hard cheese.
But natural's not the enemy.
Remember C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985 inclusive. Well, guess who's broke and picking up trash for a living?
[watching television in the living room] Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders.
[to Krusty after looking at Krusty-O's] Would you happen to know where I could find the Burns-O's?
Sorry pops, they don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
[looking at two ketchup bottles] Ketchup... Catsup... Ketchup... Catsup... Castup... K... k... Ooh, I'm in way over my head.
Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this stock market crash?
Well, it was 25 years before I was born.
Oh, that's your excuse for everything.
S8In Marge We Trust
Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom & Dad!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.