MMoe
[as he enters the bar, carrying a jug of green rat poison] Listen up! This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [Two men raise their hands]. BEAT IT! I got no room for cheapskates.
“Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment” · Season 8
In this episode: Homer Simpson (5), Rex Banner (3), Marge Simpson (2), Lisa Simpson (2), Moe Szyslak (2), Barney Gumble (2), Bart Simpson (1), Ned Flanders (1)
You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!
What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car?
Nothing.
I don't think it had broken axles before.
Before, before. You're living in the past, Marge, quit living in the past!
[Barney Gumble shows up drunk and puts his face against a diner window]
Hello fishies.[Belches]
[Rex Banner punches the window out with his bare hand and grabs Barney]
Aright rummy, I'm gonna say it to ya plain and simple. Where'd ya pinch the hooch? Is some Blind Tiger jerkin' suds on the side?
[Pause] ...Yes?
[Homer and Bart come out of the basement with another wheelbarrow of bowling balls filled with beer]
Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.
[Homer walks forward with the wheelbarrow of bowling balls, but stops when Marge and Lisa are stood in the way. He shrieks and the wheelbarrow falls over, with the bowling balls sprawling on the floor and the beer pours out.]
Beer!
I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!
You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.
Homer, that's very clever!
Huh?
[surprised] Mom?
Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.
It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
[Homer shows Marge the dollar bills.]
Ooh!
Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-
[Homer, Marge and Bart point upwards.]
HMHomer, Marge and Bart
GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!
What kind of pet shop is full of rambunctious yahoos, and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?
MMoe
Umm...Ahh...The best damn pet shop in town.
Ow...! These gears down there really hurt!
[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Are you the Beer Baron?
Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.
[To Eddie and Lou] He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Are you the Baron?
Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
"Tubby?" [looking at his ample gut] Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
None of your business.
[Homer and Bart are making bathtub gin and other liqor in the basement]
Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.
Lisa remember we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like... all those people in jail.
To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems.
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