Seymour Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Skinner

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see me. [Lunchlady Doris wheels Martin out, but Skinner's foot is on the sheet. The sheet is pulled off Martin, and the kids scream at his grotesquely frozen corpse] Oh, just get him out of there! [picks up the sheet] Not into the kindergarten! [kindergartners screams are heard]

Skinner

They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

Seymour Skinner

Mother always said a curvy spine is the devil's roller coaster. [Frink Sr. grabs Seymour's back] Hey, you can't have that! [Frink Sr. removes the spine and Seymour's body deflates, causing him to fall on the ground]

Skinner

Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Seymour Sucks!"

Skinner

I'm so happy with my evil plan

Seymour

Really? Right next to that Nacho-Cano?

Skinner

You're like egg salad at a picnic, Simpson. Even when you look good, we know you're going bad.

Skinner

Sweet Lord, it is! [sees Bart's name written in huge letters in the grass with herbicide] SIMPSON!!!!!! [Bart gulps; cut to the principal's office] Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field, that you would be caught?

Bart

Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.

Skinner

THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!!!

Bart

Uh-oh.

Skinner

The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident, makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. [point to the sign "In Emergency Breaks Glass"] Call your father immediately.

Bart

Hello? Is Homer there?

Homer who?

Bart

Homer... [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] ...Sexual.

Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.

Homer

Don't look at me!

Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, [we see Skinner holding a phone] I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!

Skinner

[insulted] You'll do what, young man?!

[taken aback] What, what, wait, who is this?

Skinner

I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!?

[realizes his mistake] Whoa whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry, it's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

Homer

Doh! What's he done now?

[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop

[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Homer

I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?

Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.

Barney

Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.

Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]

Homer

[reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?

Skinner

It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.

Homer

What does "deadlocked" mean?

Skinner

It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.

Homer

Uh-huh. And "if"?

Skinner

Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".

Homer

So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.

Patty

That's not going to happen, Homer.

Jasper

Let's vote. My liver is failing.

Homer

Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]

Skinner

Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!

Homer

What are all of you voting?

Guilty.

Homer

Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?

Homer

Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

I won! I won! [walks on stage]

No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

[beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!

Lisa

[punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.

[points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Lisa

Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.

Skinner

I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs]

Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection...and to be seen!

Skinner

Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. [ballet]

Bart

Ballet?! Dancing is for girls.

Skinner

[clearly enjoying his revenge on Bart] Well, you should have gotten here earlier.

Skinner

Well, children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold!

All right, you listen up, you little "freaks"! The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with!

[pleasantly] ...Marge Simpson!

Marge

Hi, class! Hi Bart...over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi! Hey! Hello?

Skinner

Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

Willie

I WARNED YA!! Didn't I warn ya!? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!!