Agnes Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Agnes

My Werthers, my choice.

Agnes Skinner

So, hi. This is my first time on one of these sites. I'm not really sure how this works, but it's time to admit that I'm lonely. Janice passed away six months ago, and I'm finally ready to open my heart to a new enemy. We were at war for 50 years. Oh, God. What a nemesis she was. The most loathsome, sorry excuse for a human being you ever met. May she burn in Hell. I know you're not supposed to talk about your ex, but that relationship is a part of me. Anyway. Ever since I spit on her ugly grave, I've been alone. I'm looking for someone in my rage bracket. I'm not young. I don't have time to waste exchanging passive-aggressive emails or shooting hostile stares across the supermarket. I'm looking for a real commitment. [On phone] If you think that could be you, reach out. I just wanna make someone miserable for the rest of their worthless life. Hmph! [He chiming in phone]

Mother!

Agnes Skinner

Seymour!

Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers

Skinner?!

What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...

That'll do nicely.

Bernice

Julius!

Clancy!

Chalmers

Skinner?

Agnes

Seymour!

Seymour

Mother...

Selma

[off-screen] Patty?

Brandine

Cletus!

... Oh, uh... Barney.

Clancy!

Chief Wiggum

Hey, come on, you did me twice.

Mr. Burns

Smithers?

My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Luann

Mayor Quimby!

Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Marge

I rest my case.

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

Who's out there? Give me your names, so I can tell the police.

Agnes

[off-screen] Seymour! What's going on? What's that odor?

Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not...

Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier!

Agnes

[off-screen] I wanna see what's going on!

No, Mother! Don't look out the window!

Agnes

[to Bart, who is keeping her busy whilst Seymour and Edna sneak out] I collect pictures of wedding cakes from different periods. [She opens a book containing photographs of cakes] It all started in 1969 when Good Housekeeping featured a picture of a lovely cake.

Bart

You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?

Agnes

Oh my, no. Don't care for cake, too sweet. [points at a cake] Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have that much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I turn the page.

Bart

Aw, can't I just turn the page for you?

Agnes

[slaps his hand away, harsher] No! [sweetly] But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.

Bart

Erm...O.K. I'll take...that one.

Agnes

[slaps his hand away] NO!

Bart

Aah! What the-

Agnes

You can't have that one: that's a coconut cake!

Reverend Lovejoy

Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.

Agnes

[yells angrily] He unholied the holy water!

Bart

That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.

Reverend

Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.

Bart

[gasps in terror] You didn't crucify him?

Reverend

[hearty laugh] No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.

Agnes

And then buy something or get out! [Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.] Angel.

My mind is made up! I'm not coming back and that's final!

Edna

Oh, Seymour.

And I'm not Seymour, my name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas.

Homer

Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?

Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.

Agnes

Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that!

Well, you didn't bring me up at all!

Agnes

To hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known!

But you have your real son!

Agnes

You are my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!

Yes, Mother.

Agnes

And the rest of you, too!

Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

Marge

Good morning, Agnes. Mmm...how's your new son working out?

Agnes

That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky middle-aged man in creation!

Edna

Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who want to bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner?

Marge

And have ten items or less.

Edna

[discarding items] Twelve, eleven, ten, the man's a weenie!

Marge

Now be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner.

Edna

But he was "our" weenie!

Homer

[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?

Dr. Hibbert

Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer

I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Agnes

I've never seen such recklessness!

You mighta hurt someone!

Cletus

Are you some kinda moron?!

Homer

Yeah, but--

Krusty

Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]

Homer

I didn't get one yet.

Rats.

Seymour Skinner

Our Mayor's corrupt! Mr. X has down this town a great service, despite his poor grammar and spelling.

Agnes

[offset] Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?

No, mother!

Agnes

You sissy!

They're just asserting their independence. If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.

Agnes Skinner

Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in apple sauce or are you gonna take it like a big boy?

[quietly] Apple sauce.

Agnes Skinner

Hey, Simpson! How come you ain't in combat like a real man?

Homer

I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Reverend Lovejoy

So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets?

Agnes

I have no regrets.

Seymour

Really, Mother?

Agnes

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Mr. Burns

Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up 3,500%.

Homer

Aw, you misheard that on purpose!

Lindsey Naegle

We want to know what you want in your daytime programming. There are no wrong answers and no bad ideas.

Helen Lovejoy

In that case, recipes.

Lindsey Naegle

Sure. [write the marker in the smart board]

Bernice Hibbert

Air fryer recipes.

Celebrities come on the show?

Lindsey Naegle

Well, yes, obviously, but...

Put it on the board then.

Marge

Uh, I was thinking...

Agnes

Something with vacuum.