Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]
[chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.
Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!
[long pause]
Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!
[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]
Behold! The power plant of the future...today!
Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]
You lose, get off my property!
[Homer walks onstage with his power plant model]
Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!
You're making us miss the contest.
[Homer sets his model down. Mr. Burns looks at it]
Could you explain your model, young man?
What's to explain? He's an idiot!
Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.
Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]
You're number one, Homer!
But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!
Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!
[Homer wins the children's nuclear power plant model contest, and everyone cheers. For Grimes, this is the last straw...]
I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] DAAGH! AAGH! [He runs out into the corridor] I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! Hi, I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom. From the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands! But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
[looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?
[getting up] I'm better than okay - I'm Homer Simpson!
[noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [He notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
[He grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces. Frank Grimes' funeral is underway]
Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short...
[drooling and muttering in his sleep] Change the channel, Marge!
[All the mourners and Reverend Lovejoy laugh]
[Everyone continues to laugh as Frank's coffin is lowered into the ground]
[At Mardi Gras, Chief Wiggum is confronted by revelers wearing outsized party masks, who reveal themselves to be the Simpsons]
WWiggum
If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
WWiggum
Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]
[points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!
BDBig Daddy
The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.
A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. [flower wilts]
TCTim Conway
[wearing a skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.
[Sea Captain bells a whistle on the ship, the Simpsons are in a big bed]
Well, it's time to say goodnight.
I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon.
Testing. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion; echoing voice] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!
[The soundwave causes the car alarms to go off, break the pet store window into pieces, which causes the birds to screech and saying "Testing!", break the fish tank which causes the octopus cling onto Professor Fink, and break the Duff Beer bottles which causes to Homer scream in despair, After Bart caused feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town]
[berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!
WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!
[checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes 2 pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man.
I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
[stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
FRFiring range Instructor
Since you attended public school, I'm gonna assume you're already proficient with small arms, so we're gonna start you with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a MGL]
Ho-ho, baby! [fires off 5 grenades. 4 hit the targets, but the 5th flies off into the distance]
FRFiring range instructor
4 out of 5, Simpson. Impressive, but you missed your last target.
[Cut to a blackened and dumbstruck Principal Skinner, standing next to a smoking crater where his car used to be. Nelson watches in the background from the classroom window]
CCommandant
Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale! [the cadets all gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. [points to a tightrope connected by two tall poles with thorn bushes underneath] Meet...The Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
This wasn't in the brochure.
[checks his watch] Uh oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out fellas! [Hordes of mice run out of the bar as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies walk in]
[comes out of the bathroom] Morning, Moe.
Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.
[Homer tries klav kalash from a street vendor]
Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
KKKlav Kalash vendor
Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Blech! Ew! Geez... I'll take a crab juice.
Excuse me, is this Mad Magazine?
WWoman
No, it's Mademoiselle. We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
[laughs] Seriously, though, my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.
WWoman
Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there, but this is just a place of business.
[As Bart leaves, Mads mascot Alfred E. Neuman opens the door]
AAlfred
Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Bleech".
[Bart's jaw drops upon surprise]
AAlfred
And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches?
Wow! I will never wash these eyes again.
