[checks his watch] Uh oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out fellas! [Hordes of mice run out of the bar as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies walk in]
[comes out of the bathroom] Morning, Moe.
Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.
New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.
Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.
I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!
[Homer tries klav kalash from a street vendor]
Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
KK Klav Kalash vendor
Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Blech! Ew! Geez... I'll take a crab juice.
Excuse me, is this Mad Magazine ?
W Woman
No, it's Mademoiselle . We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
[laughs] Seriously, though, my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.
W Woman
Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there, but this is just a place of business.
[As Bart leaves, Mads mascot Alfred E. Neuman opens the door]
A Alfred
Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Bleech".
[Bart's jaw drops upon surprise]
A Alfred
And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches?
Wow! I will never wash these eyes again.
And that's when the CHUDs came at me...
Oh, Homer, of course you're going to have negative view of New York if all you focus on are the pimps and the CHUDs.
Your boss told you you're fired!
All I remember about the last two months was giving a guest lecture at Villanova; or maybe it was a street corner.
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