Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom & Dad!
S8In Marge We Trust
Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, The Nine Tenets of Constancy.
[yawns and hits his head on the back of the bench] DAMN IT!!! [the churchgoers gasp]
[sternly clears throat] I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over.
MMoe
Oh, for the love of crumb cake!
AAkira
[on phone] Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. [turns to Homer] Hi!
[hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?
AAkira
Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]
What's he saying?
AAkira
He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Wow!
AAkira
Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaidō, renowned for its countless soap factories.
Hokkaidō, eh?
There's your answer, fish-bulb.
[pants, to the phone booth] The teens have been chasing me all night. [spies on the bullies] They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.
Ned, where are you?
I can't see the name of the station, but the gas costs eight-tenths.
[regaling his congregation of his fight with the monkeys at the zoo] Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but -- bam, bam! -- I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me! [imitates hissing baboon] [quietly resolved] ...and that's when I got mad.
Now, that's religion!
S8Homer's Enemy
[Alarms blare and red lights flash at Homer's work station]
Simpson, you've got a 5-13.
[Homer glances at his watch]
No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?
[Homer glances at his watch again]
[points] Look at your control panel!
Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
[He calmly walks into his work station, takes a bucket of water and pours it on his console, shorting it out and silencing the alarms]
That got it.
[Grimes looks on in horror]
[sees the name of the pencil who has been chipped in] Mr. Simpson, do you know who chewed my...
[talking about Homer] God, he eats like a pig!
I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
Hi, Grimey old buddy!
I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!
[haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?
[throws the acid beaker at the wall which makes a hole] You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!
Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
MMoe
Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
No, I won't accept that.
MMoe
No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
[takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!
MMoe
Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.
Aw...
[is invited to the Simpsons' for dinner] Good heavens, this is a palace! How can-- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
[shrugging] I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.
Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I-I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!
[clearly not getting it] Wow!
[sees pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that...
Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford... And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins... Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space!
You? Went into outer space?! You?
Sure! You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?
[angrily] No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?! This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!
... What?
Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!
[gasps] What are you saying?
I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.
He's got you there, Dad.
You're a fraud. A total fraud. [he starts to leave; to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie] It was nice meeting you. [he slams the door]
[Bart notices that the factory has collapsed]
Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!
I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?
[Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern]
MMoe
OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.