A character in The Simpsons
Clancy Wiggum
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
In 26 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (9), Bart Simpson (8), Chief Wiggum (6)
[ Snake stops at a red light and sees Chief Wiggum crossing the street]
Doughnuts, I got doughnuts. I got, hey I know you.
[Snake wrecks his car while trying to run him down, then escapes on foot]
Hey come back, we gotta swap insurance info.
[on Ralph] Ah, he's a dumb kid, but he's an above average dog. Roll over, son!
When I look at people, I don't see colors; I just see crackpot religions.
[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
Is there a problem, officer?
Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Where?
[smashes a tail-light] Right there.
[angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
[alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?
Take 'im away, boys.
Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'im away, toys.
What'd you say, chief?
Do what the kid says.
Ya see anything yet?
Nothing captain, someone took all the beer and cold cuts.
Oh, that's it. I'm not even casting off until we go to the store.
[Seeing a very tall man Chief Wiggum pulls out his gun and shoots him]
Aw, they're not so tough.
Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster, though.
The gin in your martini
The clams on your linguine
Yes, we put the (BOING!!) in Springfield
We remember our first visit
The service was exquisite
Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Come on now, you were working here
Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!
To shut it down now would be twisted
We just heard this place existeeeeed!
Thank you. Come again.
[Just as Homer is about to enter his car and drive home, he then hears the police radio from nearby. Chief Wiggum and his partners have just stopped a telemarking scam committed by a criminal named Jimmy the Scumbag, who is arrested for the crime as a result.]
It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. [turns to Jimmy] Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.
[Jimmy just shrugs and mutters. Wiggum pushes him into the back of his police car while Lou throws away an auto-dialer that was used by Jimmy during the scam. Homer watches the scene from nearby.]
[points at the auto-dialer] Hey, what's this thing?
Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. [glances at Jimmy, then turns back to Homer] This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But, instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. [slams his fist on the windshield, startling Jimmy. ominously] And the only way out is suicide.
[He makes a slashing neck gesture.]
Telemarketing, eh?
[At Mardi Gras, Chief Wiggum is confronted by revelers wearing outsized party masks, who reveal themselves to be the Simpsons]
If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]
[points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!
The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.
Testing. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion; echoing voice] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!
[The soundwave causes the car alarms to go off, break the pet store window into pieces, which causes the birds to screech and saying "Testing!", break the fish tank which causes the octopus cling onto Professor Fink, and break the Duff Beer bottles which causes to Homer scream in despair, After Bart caused feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town]
[berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!
WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!
[checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes 2 pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man.
I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
[stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
You're the boss.
Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
Anything unusual?
Hawaii here we come. Ananakooli, Makawani, Ana-ona, Nanawula Wa, Hawaii...ha
Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Stop saying Hawaii in there.
[Listening through an ear horn] Aw, I got nothing. How 'bout you, Frinky?
[Gets better signals through his ear horn] I have captured the signal and impressively triangulating the vectors. And compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand. [Points to the billboard] They're over there!
All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.
Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!
You can't make us come down!
You adults are always giving orders!
Well, you kids are always disobeying them!
Well, adults treat kids like children!
Kids treat adults like cash machines!
[Song starts]
Adults!
Kids!
Adults!
Kids!
Adults!
Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!
Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!
[embarrassed] Hmm...
Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]
Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]
Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!
Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!
Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]
Oh, what a bunch of brats!
We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]
Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!
Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!
Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!
I just ate a thumbtack!
Adults! They're always telling us to--
[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!
Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]
We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...
Don't you treat us like...
Can't you just lay off...
We're sick of all of you...
KIDS...TO...DAY!
[Song ends]
We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!
Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?
Yeah, you old fogies!
Buzz off, you old buzzards!
[The adults and kids all angry throw taunts and insults at the old folks]
You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
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