Frank Grimes quotes from The Simpsons

Grimes

[sees the name of the pencil who has been chipped in] Mr. Simpson, do you know who chewed my...

Grimes

[throws the acid beaker at the wall which makes a hole] You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!

Frank Grimes

Will nobody stop these people? [clips from all previous episodes appear and a counter goes from 1 to 600] Oh, hi. How do you do, Children? I'm Frank Grimes. In Hell, they make you watch them all in a row. Welcome to our 600th Episode. Treehouse of Horror 27.

Hibbert

Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?

Homer

Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?

Hibbert

No.

Lisa

No.

Chief Wiggum

No.

Marge

No.

Bart

No.

Patty

No.

Chief Wiggum

No.

Ned

No.

Selma

No.

Frink

No.

Lovejoy

No.

Chief Wiggum

Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.

Lisa

Well, where's my dad?

Frink

Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.

Lisa

[switches the light on] Sorry.

Frink

[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.

Chief Wiggum

Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.

Frank

But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.

[gasps]

Frink

This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.

Homer

[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?

Frink

Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

Chief Wiggum

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!

Chief Wiggum

Take that, you lousy dimension!

Grimes

Simpson, you've got a 5-13.

Grimes

No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?

Grimes

[points] Look at your control panel!

Homer

Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.

Homer

That got it.

Grimes

[talking about Homer] God, he eats like a pig!

I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

Homer

Hi, Grimey old buddy!

Grimes

I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!

Homer

[haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?

Grimes

[is invited to the Simpsons' for dinner] Good heavens, this is a palace! How can-- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?

Homer

[shrugging] I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Grimes

Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I-I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!

Homer

[clearly not getting it] Wow!

Grimes

[sees pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that...

Homer

Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford... And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins... Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space!

Grimes

You? Went into outer space?! You?

Homer

Sure! You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

Grimes

[angrily] No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?! This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!

Homer

... What?

Grimes

Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!

Homer

[gasps] What are you saying?

Grimes

I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.

Bart

He's got you there, Dad.

Grimes

You're a fraud. A total fraud. [he starts to leave; to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie] It was nice meeting you. [he slams the door]

Grimes

Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

Hey, shush!

Carl

You're making us miss the contest.

Mr. Burns

Could you explain your model, young man?

Grimes

What's to explain? He's an idiot!

Pipe down!

Homer

Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.

Mr. Burns

Hmm.

Homer

Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

Mr. Burns

Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]

Grimes

WHAT?!

Carl

Way to go, Homer!

You're number one, Homer!

Grimes

But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!

Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!

Grimes

I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] DAAGH! AAGH! [He runs out into the corridor] I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! Hi, I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom. From the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands! But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!

Homer

[looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?

Grimes

[getting up] I'm better than okay - I'm Homer Simpson!

Homer

[chuckles] You wish.

Grimes

[noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [He notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

Reverend Lovejoy

Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short...

Homer

[drooling and muttering in his sleep] Change the channel, Marge!

That's our Homer!

Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!

[Gasp]

Frank an' Jesse James!

[Gasp]

The Sundance Kid!

[Gasp]

Comic Book Guy

What happened to Butch Cassidy?

[imitating] What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!

And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.

[Mutterings of "Who?"]

He ain't no cowboy!

Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh... yippy wippy, wippy!

Frank

OK, he's in.

Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

Aahh!!! Sideshow Bob! [Kang or Kodos gets out from behind a tree] Aahh!!! One of you guys!

Homer

Who?

Frank Grimes

I'm the guy who hated you. Hated you! Died from my hatred of you!!

Homer

[giggles] Good old Grimey.

Sideshow Bob

To the point, we are evil geniuses who, somehow, lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.

Homer

[eating tinsels] What?

Sideshow Bob

So we decided to form this furious four!

Frank Grimes

Bob, seriously man, one suggestion? Shut up! I mean, the baby is already asleep.

Sideshow Bob

Awww.

[suffocated inside a plastic bag] Why did Mom "DOUBLE WRAP"?!?!?!?

Frank Grimes

[narrating] Chief Clancy Wiggum arrests Lisa and Lisa is arrested for the murder.