“Homer's Enemy” · Season 8
In this episode: Frank Grimes (8), Homer Simpson (6), Lenny Leonard (3), Bart Simpson (2), Moe Szyslak (2), Mr. Burns (2), Milhouse Van Houten (1), Waylon Smithers (1)
[Alarms blare and red lights flash at Homer's work station]
Simpson, you've got a 5-13.
[Homer glances at his watch]
No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?
[Homer glances at his watch again]
[points] Look at your control panel!
Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
[He calmly walks into his work station, takes a bucket of water and pours it on his console, shorting it out and silencing the alarms]
That got it.
[Grimes looks on in horror]
[sees the name of the pencil who has been chipped in] Mr. Simpson, do you know who chewed my...
[talking about Homer] God, he eats like a pig!
I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
Hi, Grimey old buddy!
I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!
[haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?
[throws the acid beaker at the wall which makes a hole] You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!
Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
No, I won't accept that.
No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
[takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!
Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.
Aw...
[is invited to the Simpsons' for dinner] Good heavens, this is a palace! How can-- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
[shrugging] I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.
Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I-I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!
[clearly not getting it] Wow!
[sees pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that...
Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford... And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins... Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space!
You? Went into outer space?! You?
Sure! You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?
[angrily] No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?! This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!
... What?
Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!
[gasps] What are you saying?
I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.
He's got you there, Dad.
You're a fraud. A total fraud. [he starts to leave; to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie] It was nice meeting you. [he slams the door]
[Bart notices that the factory has collapsed]
Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!
I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?
[Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern]
OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.
Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]
[chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.
Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!
[long pause]
Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!
[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]
Behold! The power plant of the future...today!
Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]
You lose, get off my property!
[Homer walks onstage with his power plant model]
Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!
Hey, shush!
You're making us miss the contest.
[Homer sets his model down. Mr. Burns looks at it]
Could you explain your model, young man?
What's to explain? He's an idiot!
Pipe down!
Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.
Hmm.
Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]
WHAT?!
Way to go, Homer!
You're number one, Homer!
But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!
Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!
[Homer wins the children's nuclear power plant model contest, and everyone cheers. For Grimes, this is the last straw...]
I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] DAAGH! AAGH! [He runs out into the corridor] I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! Hi, I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom. From the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands! But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
[looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?
[getting up] I'm better than okay - I'm Homer Simpson!
[chuckles] You wish.
[noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [He notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
[He grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces. Frank Grimes' funeral is underway]
Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short...
[drooling and muttering in his sleep] Change the channel, Marge!
[All the mourners and Reverend Lovejoy laugh]
That's our Homer!
[Everyone continues to laugh as Frank's coffin is lowered into the ground]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
