I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope it-- [gasp] Oh, my God, Mr. Burns is dead! Aw! Why do the good always die so young?
[emerges, strangles Smithers] You almost killed me!
Please, sir... [places towel on Burns' shoulders] you'll catch..cold.
S5Burns' Heir
I have nothing to offer you but my love.
I specifically said no geeks!
[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...
Next!
Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--
[Nelson runs onto the stage and cold cocks him. Martin collapses.]
Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -
I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!
[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.
[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet]
Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
I think it is a rock, sir.
We'll see what the lab has to say about that.
[Bart smashes up Burns' residence in anger for not being chosen as the heir, smashing windows and decapitating statues]
Heh heh, look, Smithers -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this?
BBoy
[with an exaggerated Cockney accent] Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day!
I was talking to him. [points at Bart] You! What day is this?
Huh?
I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir!
[Bart throws a rock which hits Smithers in the head]
Ooh, I like him a lot.
[The Simpsons family are eating dinner, Bart throws peas at Lisa]
Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!
Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. [throws another peas at Lisa]
Ow! That was a big one!
Homer, say something.
Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
[groans]
Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. [feeds his piece to SHL]
[gasps] That was the end piece! [turns red in anger] That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! [point upwards] Go to your room!
No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.
Bart, you listen!
Oh, go eat some flowers! [tosses flowers at Homer]
My secret shame.
[Bart storms out of his house, riding his bicycle]
DDeprogrammer
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Are you sure you can get him back for us?
DDeprogrammer
Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
What about Peter Fonda?
DDeprogrammer
Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
You idiot! He was the most talented one!
[Bart turns on his model train and it leaves the room]
Where does it go?
I don't know, but it won't be back for three hours. One time it had snow on it.
People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "Boh", he says... [Flips through a script to he gets to a page.] Doh!
[The fake Homer and Marge take off their masks.]
BFBritish Fake Homer
Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment like Rain Man or Awakenings. I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
FMFake Marge
And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.
FLFake Lisa
[Takes off his mask and smokes his cigar] Hey, you know we are getting into Golden Time.
Yes well just get it right, or you'll be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theatre.
S5Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song
Seymour? You're fired!
I'm sorry, di-did you just call me a liar?
No, I said you were fired.
Oh. That's much worse.
Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it, it's a hell of a toboggan ride.
[over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Thank the Lor-- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!
Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the Great American Novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
AApu
Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. And then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like! Didn't you think this through?...[fade to later]... was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had it...[fade to later]...most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! [Skinner hangs his head in shame as Apu calms down] ...I mean, thank you, come again.
S5The Boy Who Knew Too Much
Wow, that is the biggest Rice Krispie square I've ever seen! The rich sure know how to live.
[lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?
[offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
You're stealing a table?
I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Souvenir.
SCScott Christian
Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.
—ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter". [pfft] This reporter suggested "Waitergate", but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, [whispers] so we'll have to be quiet. [courtroom doors close in his face] Dooh—!
Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again. [she then starts humming and dusting the TV]
Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?
Honey, you should listen to your heart... and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.