TV show quotes
[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]
Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.
[Cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side.]
I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
I'll take two dogs, two sodas... and, uh, two ice cream bars. [as they are passed along the row towards him, Homer snatches two bites from his dogs] What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers.
Well, I guess I should pay my share.
[chuckling] Relax, Homer. I keep telling you. You're my guest.
Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. [dips a nacho in it, then eats it, singing] Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man.
Bart (waves two pieces of paper in front of Homer's face): Hey, Dad, sell you these for fifty bucks.
Woo hoo! Sold! (Bart takes the money and runs off)
Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center". (screams): Why you little -- (immediately calms down as he sits down and thinks it over): Hmm, free wig.
(Homer imagines himself with Marge's hair, as he looks at himself in the mirror)
Homer (imitating Marge): I love you, Homie. Mmm. (normal voice): Heh, heh, heh. I don't need her at all anymore.
Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]
[furiously and annoyed] STOP IT!!! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [Lovejoy and the churchgoers gasp] Oh, can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!
Well, Ned's just jealous!
The man's hepped up on goofballs!
Let's sacrifice him to our God! (the room falls silent as everyone looks at Grampa in horror): We did it all the time in the 30's.
[Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast.]
After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. [to Homer]: Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
Think you'll win?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.
What's the point of all this cleaning?! Are we so vain?!
Hey Clinton, get back to work!
Make me.
Hey, they're playing the elephant song!
I love that. Reminds me of elephants.
So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives – "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.
[rides on Stampy] Ha-ha! Smithers, this reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work!
Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Stampy's food bill today was $300.
[scared] Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Mr. Blackheart?
Yes, my pretty?
Are you an ivory dealer?
[chuckles] Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network ... and like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.
Look! It's the four elephants of the Apocalypse!
That's "Horsemen," Ned.
Well, getting closer.
He took Bart too?! [yells out the window] THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL BLACKHEART! THAT. WASN'T. PAAAAART!
[At Springfield Police Station]
[sarcastically] Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...yeah, right, mister, mm hm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure...and I'm Edward G. Robinson!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
