I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope it-- [gasp] Oh, my God, Mr. Burns is dead! Aw! Why do the good always die so young?
[emerges, strangles Smithers] You almost killed me!
Please, sir... [places towel on Burns' shoulders] you'll catch..cold.
“Burns' Heir” · Season 5
In this episode: Mr. Burns (5), Bart Simpson (3), Marge Simpson (3), Homer Simpson (2), Lisa Simpson (2), Milhouse Van Houten (2), Waylon Smithers (2), Nelson Muntz (1)
I have nothing to offer you but my love.
I specifically said no geeks!
[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...
Next!
Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--
[Nelson runs onto the stage and cold cocks him. Martin collapses.]
Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -
I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!
[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.
[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet]
Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
I think it is a rock, sir.
We'll see what the lab has to say about that.
[Bart smashes up Burns' residence in anger for not being chosen as the heir, smashing windows and decapitating statues]
Heh heh, look, Smithers -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this?
BBoy
[with an exaggerated Cockney accent] Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day!
I was talking to him. [points at Bart] You! What day is this?
Huh?
I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir!
[Bart throws a rock which hits Smithers in the head]
Ooh, I like him a lot.
[The Simpsons family are eating dinner, Bart throws peas at Lisa]
Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!
Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. [throws another peas at Lisa]
Ow! That was a big one!
Homer, say something.
Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
[groans]
Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. [feeds his piece to SHL]
[gasps] That was the end piece! [turns red in anger] That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! [point upwards] Go to your room!
No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.
Bart, you listen!
Oh, go eat some flowers! [tosses flowers at Homer]
My secret shame.
[Bart storms out of his house, riding his bicycle]
DDeprogrammer
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Are you sure you can get him back for us?
DDeprogrammer
Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
What about Peter Fonda?
DDeprogrammer
Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
You idiot! He was the most talented one!
[Bart turns on his model train and it leaves the room]
Where does it go?
I don't know, but it won't be back for three hours. One time it had snow on it.
People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "Boh", he says... [Flips through a script to he gets to a page.] Doh!
[The fake Homer and Marge take off their masks.]
BFBritish Fake Homer
Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment like Rain Man or Awakenings. I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
FMFake Marge
And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.
FLFake Lisa
[Takes off his mask and smokes his cigar] Hey, you know we are getting into Golden Time.
Yes well just get it right, or you'll be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theatre.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.