Superintendent Chalmers quotes from The Simpsons

Why is it when I heard the word "school", and the word "exploded", I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?!

Seymour? You're fired!

Principal Skinner

I'm sorry, di-did you just call me a liar?

No, I said you were fired.

Principal Skinner

Oh. That's much worse.

Bart

Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.

Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it, it's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Ned

[over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.

Thank the Lor-- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!

Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers conference day?

Bart

Hmm, well, I guess that we don't have to go to school.

Wow, mine too!

Bart

The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look, Barney's not even drunk yet.

Barney

Morning, boys, can't stop to chat, time is money.

Homer

Morning, Barney.

You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out having fun and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons.

Principal Skinner

Hmm, here we go again.

Skinner!

Bart

Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?

Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.

Intercourse?

What if we refuse?

You won't pass to the next grade!

I fail to see the threat.

SKINNER! Good idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

Lisa

Could you use it in a sentence?

Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner

I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

Skinner

Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?

Homer

Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!

Skinner

Who are all of you people?

Carl

We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.

Skinner

I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.

SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!

Skinner

[chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?

You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.

Bart

[to Lisa] Do you know why you did good at math?

"Did well."

Ah, give it a rest, Melanie.

Calling me by my first name is harassment!

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound! [grabs Melanie and kisses her]

[charmed] Oh, Superintendent...!

Principal Skinner

Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?

I'd rather die.

We can't keep serving the same thing every day, these kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears.

Point taken.

According to this file from Blazing Guy's secret security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before - fire a teacher.

Principal Skinner

Hand in your red pen...oh, I'm not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight.

Seymour, your new teacher is...everybody pray!

Principal Skinner

This is a public school.

I said pray!

So, since Otto has disappeared with our bus, and our brownie pans, parents will have to drive their own children to school.

Principal Skinner

Well, fewer of you would have to drive if you sat down and arranged a carpool schedule.