Oh, my God... Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! ...Oh, yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten, heh-heh.
S5The Boy Who Knew Too Much
[reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?
It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.
What does "deadlocked" mean?
It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.
Uh-huh. And "if"?
Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
That's not going to happen, Homer.
Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
What are all of you voting?
EEveryone
Guilty.
Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?
[everyone else groans]
Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
[Bart sees Skinner in the jury; Skinner thinks his thoughts to him]
I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yeah, you heard me. I think words I would never say. [camera pans left to Homer]
I know you can read my thoughts, boy. [sings Meow Mix jingle] Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.
The system works. Just ask Claus von Bülow.
S5Lady Bouvier's Lover
Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.
[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie".]
What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?
If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
[Homer imagines his children as more realistic-looking humans, screams and runs from the room]
BMrs. Bouvier
Oh, Monty, I swear you're the devil himself.
I...Who told you?! ...Oh, ah, yes.
I specifically requested no romantic music! What…?
[stops playing organ, trying to pounds the window] Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! [Glass breaks, he falls to the church floor, saved Jacqueline] Mrs. Bouvier!
[last lines as Grampa gets back together with Mrs. Bouvier in a bus]
SGSimon & Garfunkel
[voices only] ♪ Hello Grampa, my old friend ♪
♪ Your busy day is at an end ♪ [the executive producers' names appear in darkness]
♪ Your exploits have been sad and boring ♪ [the credits begin playing]
♪ They tell a tale, that's worth ignoring ♪
♪ When you're alone, the words of your story will echo down the rest home hall ♪
♪ Cuz no one at all ♪
♪ Can stand the sound of Grampa ♪
[voice only, in credits] I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine with a vulcanized rubber listening tube which you crammed in your ear! The tube would go in easy with some sort of lubricant like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's... [the Gracie Films logo appears] Oops. I'm sorry!
S5Secrets of a Successful Marriage
[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself.]
Oh... and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
That's because you were drunk!
And how.
So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse?
I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.
[hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today?
Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer.
[with barely-concealed anger]: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us.
[explodes with anger]: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]
Homer!
I'm outta here!
Me too.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
[as Marge kicks out Homer's class -- and Homer]
All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven to 18 in Lisa's diary.
You too.
Huh?
Get out!
But I'm not in a cla-
[Marge angrily pushes Homer onto the ground and slams the door, Otto puts his hand on Homer's shoulder]
OOtto
Uh, is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.
[after Marge kicks him out of his house] Oh. Fine. If that's what you want, you've got it. [walks away from his house] This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. [walks into the streets]
Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his god will punish him!
[Immediate cut to Reverend and Mrs. Lovejoy talking with Marge in the living room.]
RLReverend Lovejoy
[flatly] Get a divorce.
Mmm-hmm.
But isn't that a sin?
RLReverend Lovejoy
Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
S6Bart of Darkness
Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!
It is? [Bart looks in vain for the problem, only to overbalance and fall from the treehouse, then screams with a girlish scream]
[talking to Kearney as Bart plummets] You see, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true; that's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha ha!
Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
I said, "Ha, ha."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.