The Simpsons · Season 6
[During Barney's tragic movie about his alcoholism: Barney is at an AA meeting in an unidentified room. He stands up]
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Cut to reveal that Barney is actually in a Girl Scout troop meeting with Lisa as one of the members]
Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?
[Everyone booing at Burns' movie]
Smithers, are they booing me?
Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
BOO!!! [throwing at Burns]
I was saying "Boo-urns."
No Homer, I won't make fun, but I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin, with a football. (BWOING!!)
[offscreen] HA-HA!
[thinking] 'Hmm... Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.'
[on-screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.
Wow. I'll never drink another beer.
Beer here!
I'll take ten.
I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.
Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.
[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]
Just hook it to my veins!
[the truck driver prepares an I.V]
[Six months later at the Academy Awards Show]
And the Oscar goes to...
I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[Burns stews in fury, while everyone applauds. A screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin.]
[doubling over] Aargh! My groin.
How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.
OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.
Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
[looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.
So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh?
You know, I rather like this pub.
Oho, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.
Oh, yeah well, we saved your arse in World War III.
That's true.
Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.
Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Yes...but not completely full. For you see...
[singing] Some men hunt for sport
Others hunt for food
The only thing I'm hunting for...
is an outfit that looks good
[to the tune "Be Our Guest"]
See...my...vest, see my vest
made from real gorilla chest
See this sweater? There's no better
than authentic Irish Setter
See this hat? 'Twas my cat
My evening wear, vampire bat
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino
Grizzly-bear underwear
Turtle's necks I've got my share
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest
Try my red robin suit,
it comes one breast or two
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest
Like my loafers? Former gophers
It was that or skin my chauffeurs
But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best
So, let's prepare these dogs
Kill two for matching clogs
See my vest... see my vest
Oh please, won't you see my vest?
[spoken] I really like the vest.
I gathered, yeah.
Okay, you can go out and play, but no more you-know-what in front of the house, all right? [done anyway] Hey! What did I just say?!
Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.
She did?
Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.
Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.
Teachers, you don't have the guts to strike!
You don't have the guts to takes us on.
[both walk away, Bart emerges from one of the lockers and imitates a chicken clucking, he hides again as Skinner and Krabappel turn to face each other]
That's it!
STEEEE-RIKE!
[cut to Miss Hoover's classroom, Skinner and Krabappel are heard on the intercom fighting for control of the microphone]
[via intercom] Attention, this is an emergency broadcast, all is well within the school. My authority as principal is total... [Krabappel snatches the microphone back from him] No, give me that...
[via intercom] Attention teachers, we're on strike. Ha!
[children in Miss Hoover's children begin to mumur in excitement]
Oh no, strike?
Miss Hoover, are you on...
[Miss Hoover is shown driving off in her car, throwing papers out of it]
Go home, children!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
