The Simpsons · Season 6
Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute.
[muttering as the teachers pass the message along; one teacher runs forwards]
Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute, purple monkey dishwasher.
Well we'll show him...especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" comment.
Talkin' out of turn.... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window.... That's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals.... That's a paddlin'. Paddling the school canoe... Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.
[Moe is teaching Bart's class during the teachers' strike]
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
[The kids laugh at him]
Alright, settle down. Anita Bath here?
[the laughing continues]
Alright, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, Kids? Well, children, I can't help that!
[Moe runs out crying. Bart then crosses Moe's name off a list of substitute teachers. Milhouse is impressed]
Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.
In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.
[Skinner shows up furious with Bart's class]
Well, children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold!
[Vice Superintendent Leopold quickly walks in and intimidates Bart's class.]
All right, you listen up, you little "freaks"! The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with!
[Martin and Wendell swallow uncomfortably]
[pleasantly] ...Marge Simpson!
[Marge happily walks in and Bart swallows uncomfortably.]
Hi, class! Hi Bart...over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi! Hey! Hello?
[Bart groans in embarrassment as his class [save for Milhouse] laughs at him.]
[Bart makes his case clear to Marge]
Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor?
I'd be thrilled. You can start right now.
[angry] D'oh!
And I'm going to keep teaching your class, like it or lump it.
Well, then, I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again.
[Bart is disgusted that Marge isn't listening to him about not teaching his class and runs off in the crawlspace to hide from her]
I hate it when he [Bart] gets in there.
[She pounds the wall with a broom, while Bart refuses to leave.]
[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tongue depressors off the floor.]
Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?
Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]
Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!
Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hotdog.
Homer, this is an operation!
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
Woo-hoo!
[Barney walks out of the Detox center into the Retox center]
Hey Moe, what'll ya give me for an AA chip?
Uh Barney, this is a 5-minute chip. Eh, it's worth a Pabst.
Lisa, honey, are you going to be okay?
Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.
Oh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.
But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do.
[Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier]
Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Uh huh.
Remember, honey?
Yeah.
What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
[wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps]
And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!
And I won't rest until I've gotten a hotdog.
Homer, this is a cemetery.
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
Woo-hoo!
What do you do, follow my husband around?
Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
[Lisa feels sad for the loss of his friend, so Homer tells her]
Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo, it preserve the things you love. [Homer looks the tattoo on his arm] "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!
[points at birdbath] Deeaaaaath!
[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]
Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy!
He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so?
[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]
You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa.
You must avenge my death, Kimba -- I mean, Simba.
Luke, I am your father.
This is CNN.
Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying goodbye to Lisa!
We're sorry.
[Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians.]
(Tutting) You missed the baby, the blind man...
Hello, Mr. Hutz.
I'll have you know the contents in that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
I just wanted to say hello.
Oh. Hello..heh... [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents in the dumpster]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
