First, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly .
[Footage is shown]
M McBain
Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.
AM Audience Member 1
You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls out an automatic rifle, cocks it and fires random bursts into the crowd]
M McBain
Now, my Woody Allen impression. "I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls."
AM Audience Member 2
Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain hurls a grenade into the audience]
[Back in the studio]
The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
[disgusted] How do you sleep at night?
On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.
Sherman, I just realized you insulted me. Now you will die. [pulls out a machine gun]
Hey, nudnik, your shoe's untied.
From here they appear to be tied. But I will go in for a closer look.
Taxi! To the airport! [drives off]
[later in the evening, still staring at his feet] On closer inspection, these are loafers.
(Bart is watching TV)
TA TV Announcer
Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons .
Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.
[enters] Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.
Hey, man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it! [shudders] I suddenly feel so dirty.
(Bart's introduction of his short film)
Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet . And now, I give you, The Eternal Struggle .
"Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles more]
Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [shortly afterwards...] Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
S Spielbergo
Er, Schindler es bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo.
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit. Now get out there and win me that festival!
[Burns is seated in an auditorium.]
Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
[Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter]
H Hopkins
Excellent. [hisses]
[William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk]
Exactly. Heh, heh... d'oh!
S Spielbergo
Es muy bueno.
Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
Money get ya one more round
Drink it down, you stupid clown
Money get ya one more round
You're out on your ass. [falls behind] Whoa! AHH, MY BACK!!
[laughing hysterically, but Marge and Jay are clearly displeased] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000.
This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos".
But... the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels! [laughs more] Roll it again.
[During Barney's tragic movie about his alcoholism: Barney is at an AA meeting in an unidentified room. He stands up]
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Cut to reveal that Barney is actually in a Girl Scout troop meeting with Lisa as one of the members]
Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?
[Everyone booing at Burns' movie]
Smithers, are they booing me?
Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
A Audience
BOO!!! [throwing at Burns]
JS Jay Sherman
No Homer, I won't make fun, but I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin, with a football. (BWOING!! )
[thinking] 'Hmm... Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.'
[on-screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.
Wow. I'll never drink another beer.
I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.
Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.
[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]
Just hook it to my veins!
[the truck driver prepares an I.V]
[Six months later at the Academy Awards Show]
I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[Burns stews in fury, while everyone applauds. A screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin.]
S Scott
[doubling over] Aargh! My groin.
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
