In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time, is apparently still inventing, despite the notable handicap of being dead.
That's my Tommy!
S10The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
S10Bart the Mother
[at an arcade]
What can I get for 8,000 tickets?
CClerk
Uh, a BB gun or an Easy Bake Oven.
Hmmm...Hot food is tempting, but I just can't say no to a weapon.
What did you get with the tickets?
Fake moustache comb, how about you?
Fake moustache...wanna comb it?
[at the top of his voice] MILHOUSE!!!
[still at his house] What?
TELL BART TO COME HOME!!!
[still at his house] I think he's at Nelson's!
WHO'S NELSON?!!
[after Marge sees the bird Bart shot]
Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?!
I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.
You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!
I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.
[sighs dejectedly] Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! [gets in her station wagon and drives off]
[About the Bolivian tree lizard]
It's a vicious oviraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch, and... devour her too.
MMoe
[laughs] What a chump!
It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.
[to Marge] Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.
Mmmm. Not as hard as you think.
This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon!
That didn't happen, Dad.
Sure it didn't.
[to Bart] For decimating our pigeon population and for making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.
S10Treehouse of Horror IX
FKFreddy Kreuger
I don't get it. They should be here by now.
JVJason Vorhees
[shrugs his shoulders] Eh, what're you gonna do? [clicks remote]
Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude.
[gasps] You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[coughing] Oh, god. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
[to Snake] Hands up, scuzzbag! [Moe raises his hands] [to Moe] No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.
[raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense!
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
You'll never make it stuck, dude.
Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...
I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.
And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty?
You are so dead, little dude.
Thanks a lot, Chief.
[laughs] You kids crack me up.
EMEd McMahon
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Shorts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
Thank you, chickie pies.
The chair? How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
EMEd McMahon
Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke. [ Chief Wiggum pulls the switch. Snake is jolted with electricity. Smoke from his body fills the execution chamber, causing everyone to have a coughing fit]
[groaning, weakly] Dude... [dies]
EMEd McMahon
Hey-oh!
All right. Now, let's get this carcass over the hospital and crave it up for organs.
Dibs on the liver!
Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor. I'm saved.
AApu
Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?
[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.
AApu
[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.
[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?
[Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine]
AApu
No, no! NO!!!
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Oh, god.
Oh, man.
I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?
Who would do such a thing?
MMoe
Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.
[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
MMoe
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--
[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.
MMoe
Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.
Dad?
You are so dead.
No!
Come here, you little...
KCKrusty the Clown Doll
[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!
[screams] My school picture!
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy!
That's Snake's voice.
Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...
Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!
[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]
I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]
MLMarge and Lisa
[gasps]
I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].
May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!
[after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy"] Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
Nah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
Going where?
Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.
[singing] Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!
There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm...
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
Trick or treat!
What's wrong with the TV?
Color's screwed up.
[After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
[Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it! Hey Give--
Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!
How humiliating.
Look.
[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
IItchy
[to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
[Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.
IItchy
Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]
A cartoon ax! I love it.
[A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]
BLBart & Lisa
Aaah!
[Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects]
BLBart & Lisa
[eyes literally sockets] AAH! AAAH!!! [They run out of the house. The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to avoid the flying arsenal]
Help! Police!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.