FKFreddy Kreuger
I don't get it. They should be here by now.
JVJason Vorhees
[shrugs his shoulders] Eh, what're you gonna do? [clicks remote]
“Treehouse of Horror IX” · Season 10
In this episode: Marge Simpson (8), Homer Simpson (7), Bart Simpson (5), Lisa Simpson (4), Chief Wiggum (4), Moe Szyslak (2), Kent Brockman (2), Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (2)
Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude.
[gasps] You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[coughing] Oh, god. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
[to Snake] Hands up, scuzzbag! [Moe raises his hands] [to Moe] No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.
[raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense!
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
You'll never make it stuck, dude.
Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...
I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.
And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty?
You are so dead, little dude.
Thanks a lot, Chief.
[laughs] You kids crack me up.
EMEd McMahon
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Shorts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
Thank you, chickie pies.
The chair? How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
EMEd McMahon
Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke. [ Chief Wiggum pulls the switch. Snake is jolted with electricity. Smoke from his body fills the execution chamber, causing everyone to have a coughing fit]
[groaning, weakly] Dude... [dies]
EMEd McMahon
Hey-oh!
All right. Now, let's get this carcass over the hospital and crave it up for organs.
Dibs on the liver!
Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor. I'm saved.
AApu
Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?
[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.
AApu
[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.
[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?
[Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine]
AApu
No, no! NO!!!
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Oh, god.
Oh, man.
I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?
Who would do such a thing?
MMoe
Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.
[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
MMoe
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--
[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.
MMoe
Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.
Dad?
You are so dead.
No!
Come here, you little...
KCKrusty the Clown Doll
[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!
[screams] My school picture!
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy!
That's Snake's voice.
Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...
Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!
[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]
I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]
MLMarge and Lisa
[gasps]
I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].
May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!
[after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy"] Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
Nah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
Going where?
Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.
[singing] Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!
There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm...
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
Trick or treat!
What's wrong with the TV?
Color's screwed up.
[After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
[Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it! Hey Give--
Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!
How humiliating.
Look.
[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
IItchy
[to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
[Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.
IItchy
Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]
A cartoon ax! I love it.
[A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]
BLBart & Lisa
Aaah!
[Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects]
BLBart & Lisa
[eyes literally sockets] AAH! AAAH!!! [They run out of the house. The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to avoid the flying arsenal]
Help! Police!
RPRegis Philbin
My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
You're beautiful.
Aw, somebody's in love. [picks up Scratchy] That means you'll have to be neutered.
Noooo!
[holding a spoonful of food in front of Maggie] Here comes the flying saucer! [Maggie starts to cry]
[On the Jerry Springer Show, after Kang brings out flowers for Marge and kisses her hand. Homer begins wailing on him]
You one-eyed, two-timing [bleep, bleep]! I'm going to [bleep]!
Oh yeah?! Well, [bleep] hyperbolic paraboloid [bleep] your mama!
JSJerry Springer
And now for my final thought; nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of their child. [everyone onstage looks ashamed] Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie lunges at Springer] What the [bleep]?! Get this [bleep] baby off! [she bites him] [bleep]! Son of a [bleep]!
[Kang and Homer try to pull Maggie off, but end up fighting again]
[with her head in her hands] I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.
[on The Jerry Springer Show]
AMAudience Member
I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
JSJerry Springer
Homer?
AMAudience Member
Nah, the green dude.
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
[gasps] You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! [starts crying] Was he better than me?
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
And now he's dead.
Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
[darkly] Just watch us.
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Don't forget Ken Starr!
Suckers.
Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.
[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]
RPRegis Philbin
My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
[As the organ music plays in Gracie Films logo, the same as "Treehouse of Horror II" and 20th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.