Lou quotes from The Simpsons

Lou

Sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what we really feel

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.

Homer

Mmm… beer.

Bart

April F- [an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud, Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]

Lou

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum

Forget it! That's two blocks away.

Lou

[squints] Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

Chief Wiggum

[gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.

Lou

[into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!

Bart

Take 'im away, boys.

Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'im away, toys.

Lou

What'd you say, chief?

Do what the kid says.

Ya see anything yet?

Lou

Nothing captain, someone took all the beer and cold cuts.

Oh, that's it. I'm not even casting off until we go to the store.

Aw, they're not so tough.

Lou

Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster, though.

Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?

Homer

[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.

[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.

Homer

[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?

No, no! NO!!!

Kent Brockman

And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Homer

Oh, god.

Bart

Oh, man.

Marge

I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?

Chief Wiggum

I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.

Lou

[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?

Lisa

Who would do such a thing?

[Upon having set up a human sized mouse trap, wherein an anvil is attached with a rope to it.] We’ll catch that mall rat.

Lou

Sure hope this Acme kit works.

Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?.

Lou

I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one.

I like those odds! [Grunts] - [Snickering] - [Wiggum Groaning] My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

Lisa

Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—[cut off by Bart]

Bart

Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." [Pulls the switch beyond "Overload"]

Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.

Officer Lou

But Chief, we are the entire force.

Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

Inspector Wiggum

[to Lou] Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.

Lou

That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.

[without a tongue] E's 'ight 'eef.

Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.

Lou

Sweet.

And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.

Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?

We don't need an Eddie. [Eddie looks down in disappointment.]

Chief Wiggum

Would you look at those Simpson kids! Last year it was razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts!

Lou

Uh... I'm gonna say eggs.

Chief Wiggum

Shut up!

Lou

Uh, Chief, looks like we got a 64-G in progress.

Chief Wiggum

[Chews his doughnut once slowly.]

Lou

Armed robbery with a gun.

Chief Wiggum

[Stares cluelessly.]

Lou

[Sighs.] [Draws stick figures of a bank robbery.] Come on, Chief, you know this.

Chief Wiggum

Oh, a shooty-stealy.

Kent Brockman

So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?

Chief Wiggum

Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.

Lou

Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?

Chief Wiggum

What do you think I'm doing right now? [Smiles at the camera.]

Chief Wiggum

I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.

Lou

You also have no evidence.

Chief Wiggum

That's implied.

Chief Wiggum

Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.

Lou

Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.

Chief Wiggum

Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!