The Simpsons quotes

Look, the snow's melting! [Martin licks the melted snow]

Martin

With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! [Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack]

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

NNibbles

Huh? [Chalmers comes in a snow mobile]

Skinner!

Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!

What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?

Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-

There'd better be a good explanation for this.

There is, sir.

Ah, then I'm happy. [He speeds away on a snow mobile]

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We're trapped in the school!

[Kids scream]

MMilhouse

We're gonna miss Christmas!

[Kids scream louder]

Principal Skinner

I fixed the DVD!

[Kids scream even louder]

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Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too!

Willie

OK Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!

Fine, I'll do the job myself.

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S12HOMЯ

DDoctor

Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.

Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!

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[Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results]

VVoice

For automated stock prices, please state the company name.

Animotion.

VVoice

Animotion: up one and one eighth.

Yahoo!

VVoice

Yahoo!: up six and a quarter.

Huh, what is this crap?

VVoice

Fox Broadcasting: down eight.

[Homer grins smugly]

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MSMale Scientist

I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, we don't play God here!

That's preposterous! You do nothing but play God, and I think your octoparrot would agree!

OOctoparrot

[squawks] Ark! Polly shouldn't be! [whistles]

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[Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon]

Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.

[crashes through the window] Who wants lottery tickets?

Okay, it's in his brain.

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So you all hate me?

LLenny

That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.

Carl

Not to mention driving to.

And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.

LLenny

You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.

Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.

Power off, Einstein.

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S12Pokey Mom

JJack

Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.

[confused] Mecca? Uh...

JJack

[chuckles] I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

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Lisa

So how was it in the slammer?

Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.

[Chuckles] That Bob.

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S12Worst Episode Ever

Young man, you've had what we call a cardiac episode.

Worst Episode Ever.

Oh, not even close. If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now! [chuckles] Just kidding. But you would be dead.

[to Bart] You saved my life?

Yeah. After you were so mean to us.

So now we're even.

My prognosis - or is it diagnosis? Whichever. You need to avoid stress. Now what kind of work do you do?

I run a comic book store.

[gasps] Oh dear Lord! We call that profession the "widow-maker"! Or we would, if any of the proprietors were married.

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[Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]

RRalph

Everybody's hugging!

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[seeing Comic Book Guy] Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

[The bar patrons laugh]

Aw, now be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.

Oh, sorry. Uh, let me buy you a drink.

Very well. I'll have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [indicates the bottles behind Moe]

[laughs awkwardly] Uh, these, uh, they're just painted on there. [pats the flat wall] Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. [takes out egg jar]

I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

Carl

Hey, you knockin' beer?

LLenny

Nobody badmouths Duff! [breaks a Duff bottle against the counter, causing it to break] Ah, piece of crap!

Come on, you're here to make friends.

Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.