Gary Chalmers quotes from The Simpsons

Chalmers

SPINNNNERS!

Mother!

Agnes Skinner

Seymour!

Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers

Skinner?!

What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...

That'll do nicely.

Bernice

Julius!

Clancy!

Chalmers

Skinner?

Agnes

Seymour!

Seymour

Mother...

Selma

[off-screen] Patty?

Brandine

Cletus!

... Oh, uh... Barney.

Clancy!

Chief Wiggum

Hey, come on, you did me twice.

Mr. Burns

Smithers?

My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Luann

Mayor Quimby!

Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Marge

I rest my case.

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

Bart

Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?

Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.

Intercourse?

What if we refuse?

You won't pass to the next grade!

I fail to see the threat.

SKINNER! Good idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

Skinner

Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? [Chalmers appears in his mind]

Chalmers

Skinner!

Skinner

Well, that didn't help.

What was that?

Lisa

It sounded like a silo tipping over.

Bart

Look, the snow's melting! [Martin licks the melted snow]

Martin

With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! [Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack]

Skinner

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

Huh? [Chalmers comes in a snow mobile]

Chalmers

Skinner!

Skinner

Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers

What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?

Skinner

Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-

Chalmers

There'd better be a good explanation for this.

Bart

There is, sir.

Chalmers

Ah, then I'm happy. [He speeds away on a snow mobile]

Skinner

Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?

Homer

Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!

Skinner

Who are all of you people?

Carl

We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.

Skinner

I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.

SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!

Skinner

[chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?

You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.

Bart

Seymour, Gary.

Skinner

Simpson, I know you're behind this! Well, you are going to get some counciling from our school psychologist!

[running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!

Chalmers

Or, from a qualified professional.

Chalmers

SIMPSON, what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?

Lisa

[a bit worried] I made them into a crossword.

Chalmers

Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKINNER!!

Skinner

[Appears in the school window.] You called?

Chalmers

Made a reference.

Skinner

My mistake. [Disappears back in the window.]

Chalmers

You're welcome, now, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his SKIMMER!!

Skinner

[Appears in the school window.] You called?

Chalmers

You misheard.

Skinner

My mistake. [Disappears back in the window.]

Chalmers

Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere but like T.J. Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.

Lisa

This test penalizes guessing.

Chalmers

It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!

Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn to pick up free escorts.

Chalmers

Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Ned Flanders

Well, I got excited for nothing.

Skinner

Now, remember to stay hydrated, and... [rattling noise is heard] AAH! Rattle snake! [it's shown that it's just Bart with a rattle; he laughs]

Chalmers

Hah! You fall for that every year, Seymour.

Skinner

In one year I didn't, and I was bitten by an actual rattle snake.

Chalmers

Yes, and if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.

Skinner

But I was gonna lose my foot!

Chalmers

Of which you have two.

Chalmers

Skinner! When I say "drive us to Bolivia", that is your cue to start the damn car!

Skinner

I can't find the key.

Bart

Looking for something?

Skinner

Yes! My car key.

Bart

Does it look like this? [shows that he got Skinner's car key]

Skinner

Yes. Quite a bit.

Chalmers

He's got your key, Seymour.

Lisa

There are two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake, and my sister locking herself in the car.

Skinner

We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.

Chalmers

Well, you should've.

Skinner

How could I? She wasn't even born yet.

Chalmers

People have babies!