Jasper Beardsley quotes from The Simpsons

Jasper

Talkin' out of turn.... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window.... That's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals.... That's a paddlin'. Paddling the school canoe... Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

Jasper

Was that me or was that you?

Grampa

Hey, they're playing the elephant song!

Jasper

I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

Homer

[reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?

Skinner

It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.

Homer

What does "deadlocked" mean?

Skinner

It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.

Homer

Uh-huh. And "if"?

Skinner

Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".

Homer

So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.

Patty

That's not going to happen, Homer.

Jasper

Let's vote. My liver is failing.

Homer

Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]

Skinner

Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!

Homer

What are all of you voting?

Guilty.

Homer

Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?

Homer

Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR US!?!

Jasper

Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!

Well, what do you people like?

Jasper

Sleep.

Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!

MATLOCK!!

Well, I suppose I could name it the... "Matlock Expressway"!

The gin in your martini

We remember our first visit

The service was exquisite

Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Come on now, you were working here

Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart

To shut it down now would be twisted

We just heard this place existeeeeed!

Jasper

Is this seat taken, little girl?

Bart

I'm not a girl! Are you blind?!

Jasper

[sadly] Yes...

All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.

Homer

Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!

Bart

You can't make us come down!

You adults are always giving orders!

Skinner

Well, you kids are always disobeying them!

Well, adults treat kids like children!

Kirk

Kids treat adults like cash machines!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Rev. Lovejoy

Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!

Homer

Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!

Marge

[embarrassed] Hmm...

Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]

Krusty

Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]

Marge

Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!

Edna Krabappel

Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!

Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]

Oh, what a bunch of brats!

We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]

Bart

Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!

Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!

Lisa

Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!

I just ate a thumbtack!

Adults! They're always telling us to--

[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!

Jasper

Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]

We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...

Don't you treat us like...

Can't you just lay off...

We're sick of all of you...

KIDS...TO...DAY!

We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!

Homer

Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?

Krusty

Yeah, you old fogies!

Buzz off, you old buzzards!

You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.

Tonight's Simpsons episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut, and the number E. Not the letter E, but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.

Well, it's been a long run; but I think this will kill it.

Jasper

What, The Simpsons?

No, Christmas.