When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.
S6Homer vs. Patty & Selma
[Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed, meaning Homer is no longer bound by agreement to be subservient to his in-laws.]
Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all wheelings and dealings.
He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
[gasps] You told!
[Homer throws Patty outside first then accidentally throws Marge by mistake; Homer runs to get Marge into the house.]
Sorry, Marge. (kiss) [Homer then throws out Selma] I never want to see you again! You either.
Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?
Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.
Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.
[In the gym, almost everyone has signed up for a sport. Bart looks around and sees how late he is. Lisa, Nelson and Milhouse faces him after he arrives in school.]
Oh, no, it's PE signup day!
[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.
Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] --oof!
So did Tae Kwon Do.
[as Bart runs away from the school bullies]
BTBallet teacher
Use the ballet!
[Bart runs first to the lap running booth, but it's full. It's the same deal with the pushup course. Even "gender issues in sport" is full. Skinner puts a hand on Bart's shoulder.]
Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. [ballet]
Ballet?! Dancing is for girls.
[clearly enjoying his revenge on Bart] Well, you should have gotten here earlier.
S6A Star is Burns
First, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly.
[Footage is shown]
MMcBain
Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.
AMAudience Member 1
You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls out an automatic rifle, cocks it and fires random bursts into the crowd]
MMcBain
Now, my Woody Allen impression. "I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls."
AMAudience Member 2
Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain hurls a grenade into the audience]
[Back in the studio]
The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
[disgusted] How do you sleep at night?
On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.
Just asking. Yeesh.
Sherman, I just realized you insulted me. Now you will die. [pulls out a machine gun]
Hey, nudnik, your shoe's untied.
From here they appear to be tied. But I will go in for a closer look.
Taxi! To the airport! [drives off]
[later in the evening, still staring at his feet] On closer inspection, these are loafers.
(Bart is watching TV)
TATV Announcer
Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons.
Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.
[enters] Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.
Hello.
Hey, man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it! [shudders] I suddenly feel so dirty.
(Bart's introduction of his short film)
Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet. And now, I give you, The Eternal Struggle.
"Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles more]
Get me Steven Spielberg!
He's unavailable.
Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [shortly afterwards...] Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
SSpielbergo
Er, Schindler es bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo.
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit. Now get out there and win me that festival!
[Burns is seated in an auditorium.]
Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Excellent.
[Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter]
HHopkins
Excellent. [hisses]
Next!
[William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk]
SShatner
Ex...cel-lent!
Next!
Exactly. Heh, heh... d'oh!
Next!
CChespirito
Excellente!
SSpielbergo
Es muy bueno.
Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
MMoe
Money get ya one more round
Drink it down, you stupid clown
Money get ya one more round
You're out on your ass. [falls behind] Whoa! AHH, MY BACK!!
[laughing hysterically, but Marge and Jay are clearly displeased] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000.
This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos".
But... the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels! [laughs more] Roll it again.
[During Barney's tragic movie about his alcoholism: Barney is at an AA meeting in an unidentified room. He stands up]
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Cut to reveal that Barney is actually in a Girl Scout troop meeting with Lisa as one of the members]
Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.