TV show quotes
[Krusty is doing a lecture on balloons]
These Krusty brand balloons are 3 bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's that gonna cost ya? [to his accountant] Hey, Bill, what'd that cost us?
Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!
[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]
[takes notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.
[incredulous] Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
[miserable] Oh, I thought the Generals were due!
[On the TV, a Globetrotter is spinning the ball as Generals players hover uncertainly around him.]
[screaming] He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball!
[The Globetrotter kicks the ball into the net behind him.]
That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!
[Homer is using a pickaxe to punch holes in the hood of his car]
Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?
I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.
Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- [Ned is shot, falls to the ground] Agghh! [gets back up] Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and-- [Ned is shot again] D'a-oh! [gets back up] Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside. [runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]
What keeps doing that? [to a limo]
I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab him.
[Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts.]
But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!
The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!
The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
[While being lead into the mobsters club]
Benedict Arnold!
The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
D'oh!
Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.
What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ... [stares at Bart] this line.
So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?
Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
[impressed] Cool!
[Bart has made a phone call to the president of an unknown South American country]
Please to repeat again, so I can translating for the el presidente.
[on the phone] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
[gasps, in Spanish with English subtitles] ¡Él dice que las mareas están cambiando! (He says the tides are turning!)
[gasps] ¡Ay carumba! ¡Entonces los rebeldes pronto se llevará a la capital! ¡Necessito huir! (Oh, no! Then the rebels will soon take the Capital! I must flee!) Yaaiiee! [President jumps out the window]
Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [making noises and faces at the marine, who punched in his face] Ow!
No, sir! US Marine Corps, sir!
[Bart calls Argentina, where Adolf Hitler's car phone starts ringing]
Eine minuten, eine minuten! [Phone stops ringing] Ach, das mobile phone is das nuisance phone!
[A Nazi officer passes by on a bicycle and gives the Hitler salute]
Buenos dias, Mein Führer!
Ach, ja, ja...
[Homer is reading the phone bill]
Burkino Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Quiet, it might be you, I can't remember.
No, I'm gonna ask Marge.
No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.
[after writing a check] Ohhhh...
Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
That's no reason to block the TV.
[As the family leaves the compound, they pass a sign reading "You are now entering Australia".]
Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.
Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!
I get it, Dad.
Australia! America!
Homer, that's enough.
Australia! America!
[The Marine decks Homer, knocking him down.]
Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!
You call that a knife? This is a knife. (takes out spoon.)
That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.
[in a bar]
Ooh! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [the bartender lifts a can of Foster's the size of a half keg in front of him]
Something wrong, Yank?
[disappointed] Noo... It's pretty big, I guess.
I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Beer it is.
No, I said coffee.
Beer?
Cof-fee.
[still not understanding] Be-ear?
C-O...
B-E...
[sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.
They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.
We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.
What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
