TV show quotes
[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]
You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. [to Marge] I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!
The best performance of your life?
The best performance of my life!
[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
[breaking a lamp] D'oh!
Ay, caramba!
[groans]
[sucks her pacifier]
Hi-dilly-ho!
[belches]
Ha, ha!
Excellent.
[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]
What kind of catchphrase is that?
I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]
Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]
I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.
[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.
Looks more like Brad Storch.
No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.
[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.
[Reading news script] 'Tragic news tonight: a tidal wave in Kuala'... 'la'- la.... 'Pur'... 'Lam-pur'... France.
[Bart pops up and steals Kent's Danish.]
Yoink!
Yoink? [After finding out his Danish is gone] [gasps]
[Shuffling his papers] Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.
[Pushing Kent off the chair and sitting on it] [clearing throat] 'A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.' Ay Chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loses balance and falls over]
And now it's time for "Match Game 2034", with Billy Crystal!
Hi!
Farah Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney!
[Grunts]
The "I didn't do it" boy!
[Grunts]
Ventriloquist Loni Anderson!
[sighs]
Spike Lee!
Mmm.
And the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle!
Hi, everybody: let's start the game!
[Homer is eating expired meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer [as his stomach grumbles]: Ooh! Stomach...churning! [keeps eating the expired ham. His stomach grumbling gets more intense. Begins to double over]: Bowels...clenching. Not much time. [falls off the couch, off-screen]: Must finish! [eating sounds]
[Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street, sirens wailing]
[Establishing shot of Springfield General Hospital. Cut to a sick Homer in a hospital bed with Marge, the kids, and Dr. Hibbert standing over him]
Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.
[whip pan to Patty and Selma with a purse]
Hey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]
[some time later]
Your old meat made me sick!
Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]
This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!
Okay, ten pounds.
Woo-hoo!
[Cut to the same ambulance as before speeding down the street, sirens still wailing]
Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."
[couch-ridden with salmonella] Oh... Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?
I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
You're... selling what now?
I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! [slams the door on him]
He's got me there.
We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.
[neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.
[Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]
Huh?
Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]
Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.
[Apu is replenishing the hot dog roller, unaware the camera in the hat is filming him. He drops one on the floor, it rolls towards the hat, and we get a wretched close-up of the wiener]
Oh, it is encrusted with filth. [blows it] Oh, well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you, smashed hat. [he winks right into the camera]
Apu, if I've learned anything, it's that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
That [the Kwik-E-Mart] is the sight of my spiritual de-pantsing.
[Homer and Apu are flying over the Himalayas]
Are we in India yet?
No.
Are we in India yet?
No.
Are we in India yet?
No.
Are we in India yet?
No. Oh wait... Now we are.
He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.
Approach, my sons.
[Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]
You may ask me three questions.
That's great, because I only need one.
[interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Yes.
Really?
Yes.
You?
Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
But – I must—
Thank you, come again.
But—
Thank you, come again.
[Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]
Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
