[Homer is eating expired meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer [as his stomach grumbles]: Ooh! Stomach...churning! [keeps eating the expired ham. His stomach grumbling gets more intense. Begins to double over]: Bowels...clenching. Not much time. [falls off the couch, off-screen]: Must finish! [eating sounds]
[Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street, sirens wailing]
[Establishing shot of Springfield General Hospital. Cut to a sick Homer in a hospital bed with Marge, the kids, and Dr. Hibbert standing over him]
Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.
[whip pan to Patty and Selma with a purse]
Hey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]
[some time later]
Your old meat made me sick!
Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]
This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!
[Cut to the same ambulance as before speeding down the street, sirens still wailing]
Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."
[couch-ridden with salmonella] Oh... Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?
I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
You're... selling what now?
I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! [slams the door on him]
We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.
MMan
[neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.
[Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]
Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]
Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.
[Apu is replenishing the hot dog roller, unaware the camera in the hat is filming him. He drops one on the floor, it rolls towards the hat, and we get a wretched close-up of the wiener]
Oh, it is encrusted with filth. [blows it] Oh, well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you, smashed hat. [he winks right into the camera]
He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.
[Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]
You may ask me three questions.
That's great, because I only need one.
[interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
[Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]
Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]
JWJames Woods
Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--
WWoods
But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
That sounds like a good movie.
WWoods
Yes... yes, a... a movie, yes.
