TV show quotes
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
...In your bed?
Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes!
[The sisters leave]
I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams]
[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV]
[standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
Uh-huh.
But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [exits the picture via a hang glider]
[picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!
Oh, man; you want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these! [hands out a spiked shell]
[finding out Maggie disappeared from the crib] Barney, I've lost the baby! It's the worst thing I've ever done!
[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table]
Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Hell, no.
[The rest of the Flanders all gasp]
[sternly] What did you say?
I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
All right, that's it, young man! No Bible Stories for you tonight!
[Todd runs upstairs crying]
Weren't you a little hard on him?
Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer]
Oh...fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... [turns red in anger] but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse]
[Marge and Lisa arrive, towing a brand-new doghouse in a wagon]
Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.
Where'd you get the money?
Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.
[Maggie crawls out]
Maggie. Oh. Cute.
No, behind her!
[reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff and gasps] Beer! How did you know?
[About Bart's fake love letters to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.
No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! [writing on paper] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
We'll all help.
[Later]
"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."
That sucks. How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?
That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
I may hold you to that, Marge.
[Even later]
Okay, okay - "I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."
[imitates buzzer] EEGH! "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."
Three simple words: "I am gay!"
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
[Even later, as Maggie sleeps]
"And anytime I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name 'Edna'."
[writing it down] Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
"P.S., I am gay."
[Marge and Lisa grumble]
How shall we end it?
How about "with a love that will echo through the ages"?
[impressed] Awww!
Oh, that's sweet!
Homer, you old honey-dripper!
You're Daryl Strawberry.
Yes.
You play right field.
Yes.
I play right field too.
So?
Well, are you better than me?
Well, I never met you, but...yes.
[At Moe's]
And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Pitt the Elder!
[stands up] LORD PALMERSTON!!
[pokes Barney in the chest] PITT...THE...ELDER!!!
OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]
Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.
LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]
[sees Roger Clemens acting like a chicken] That damn hypnotist! [to hypnotist] You! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association.
[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth]
I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?
Whaddya got?!
[Skinner is aghast to see Lisa becoming a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]
[Bart takes the fall for Lisa stealing the answer keys]
I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker."
[grumbles in irritation] Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days' detention.
Eh, four hundred days? I can do that standing on my head.
All right, five hundred days!
[chuckling] Ooh, big man!
Six hundred days!
Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
[as the new hall monitor] Let's go, Simpson.
Bart, why did you take the blame?
'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You've got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
Why didn't you tell the rest of us? [turns red in anger] Why did you keep it a secret?! [angrily points to Bart] If you were 17, we'd be rich. But no, you had to be ten.
I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.
Is there a Doggie hell?
Well... of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
Who's in there?
Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester...
Checkers.
Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!
Hey, wait a minute. Does this have to do anything with Santa's Little Helper?
Oh, honey, seven hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
You're gonna just let him die?
I know you're upset.
[ticked off] Darn right, I'm upset!
[covers Bart's mouth] Bart! Watch your language! [uncovers Bart's mouth] Oh, you did. Sorry.
[ticked off] I'm not gonna let our dog die and that's it! [furiously leaves the kitchen and angrily mumbles to himself]
Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.
[whimpers on Homer's leg]
[gets annoyed] Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way. Lousy, manipulative dog.
[at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.
Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]
I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]
[acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.
I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.
What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?
People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
[pause] If you did it, Sir?
Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
