Troy McClure quotes from The Simpsons

Troy McClure

Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid!

Troy McClure

"The Simpsons" began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening, [screen shows a bald man with an eyepatch saluting in front of a US flag and looking menacing] the already-famous creator of such comics as "Damnation", "Johnny Reb", and "True Murder Stories". [screen shows each] In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L. Brooks [shot if 8F01-esque rich man surrounded by bags of money] and Sam Simon. [shot of Howard Hughes-esque naked man typing in bed] And what better place to premiere their creation that on "The Tracy Ullman Show", the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers? On April 19, 1987, America first met "The Simpsons".

Troy McClure

[observes] They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons.

Troy McClure

As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for "Captain Wacky", later renamed "Homer".

Troy McClure

Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." [harsh] You've got some attitude, mister! Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes, episodes run long, and certain scenes never get aired. So fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever, are the cut-out classics.

Troy McClure

This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" [Pause] Then they found out it was the baby. [Long pause and cough] To keep this bombshell secret, the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air.

Troy McClure

Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "André the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge."

Troy McClure

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"

Troy McClure

I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. I'm filling in for Actor Buck Henderson. Now, Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.

Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.

Hi, Dr. Nick.

Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]

One of our best writers.

Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.

Troy McClure

So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.

Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy and rubs, removing all the grime]

Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!

Troy McClure

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Homer

[watching the show on TV] Ooh, that's one clean tombstone!

I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95!

Booo!

I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.

Homer

[watching the show on TV] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!

Okay, I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95!

Troy McClure

[standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...

Marge

Uh-huh.

McClure

But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [exits the picture via a hang glider]

Marge

[picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?

Troy McClure

[laughing] No, Jimmy, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. Just ask this scientitian.

Uhhh...

Troy McClure

He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Wow, Mr. McClure, I was a Grade A Moron to ever question eating meat.

Troy McClure

Ha Ha Ha Ha... Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were. [playfully rubs Jimmy's head]

You're hurting me...

Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium — it's the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular!

Troy McClure

[walking on] Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show." Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family. You'll see long lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favourite episodes, old fav routes you can't see in syndication. [Clips of MG07, 8F13, 2F20, and 9F03 run quickly] So join me, won't you, for the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular.

Troy McClure

[voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.

Homer

Bart, you're coming home!

Bart

I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns

[threateningly] I suggest you leave immediately.

Homer

Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!

Mr. Burns

"My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!

Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!

Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. [continues dancing]

Mr. Burns

Smithers, he's out of control!

I'll take him out, sir. [extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently]

His ass is gonna blow!

Lisa

And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.

Mr. Burns

Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.

Aww!

Troy McClure

But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence [chuckles] and that would be downright nutty! [The camera shows two photos of the Simpson family, one from an early Tracy Ullman short, the other from a mid-1990s episode] Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!

Troy, Mac Parker! Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes?

Troy

Uh, the movie or the planet?

The brand new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring... as the human.

Troy

It's the part I was born to play, baby!