Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.
Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?
What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.
That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.
If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.
Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?
I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.
You want two weeks' detention instead? This is important!
[beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?
Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?
[The kids circle around Craig and Tweek in the hallway as the two boys get in a scuffle]
You got a fuckin' problem, man?! [shoves Tweek]
You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [shoves Craig in return]
I told you to stay 100 yards from me!
You better not fucking push me again, man!
FDFlower Delivery Man
[holding some flowers as Liane answers the door] Hi. Flower delivery for Eric Cartman.
Oh my, how beautiful! [signs for them and gives them to her son] Ooh, look, sweetie. Someone sent you flowers.
[reading a note that came with them] "Can't we just try? Tee Hee." [figures out it was Cupid Me who sent the flowers to him] Oh, man.
Someone who needs a real talking to.
I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig. I saw your text to Michael about hooking up with him!
Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.
No. Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.
Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?
Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.
[tearing up; voice cracks] No-ho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!
You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.
I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?!
This wasn't part of the plan!
Well, guess what, Craig?! Love doesn't follow a plan!
I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes.
This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady. People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions.
Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman or a bomb—
You shot an unarmed six-year-old Latino child!
[beat] No, Mayor, please! This is all I know! I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, I-I used to chase away the sixth graders for you!
You're from another time, Barbrady, and the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady slowly takes his gun and badge and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.
No, please, not my sunglasses!
You're DONE, Barbrady. The town doesn't want you here.
[then takes off his sunglasses, opens his eyes after he puts them down] Where should I go?
You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican.
[stands up] You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.
Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!
Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]
Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!
When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.
[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!
There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!
Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!
They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!
What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja, and you pull your gun on them?!
Davíd Rodriguez was lucky to live!
Everybody told me they were terrorists!
We thought they were! But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!
But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.
Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"
I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.
Do you even know what "farm to table" means?
[reads school paper in bed] Wow. Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets paper down] It's like... I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [sees himself running in a void of content] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Gieco. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story, it's a slideshow! And I'm looking at the "Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Jobs Ever". So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next slide, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, it's-it's following me all over the screen!! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slideshow, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the "Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time", and that's not the arrow for the next slide, it's another ad! Aaagh!! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bull shoot. [sees Linda focusing on her smartphone] Linda? LINDA!!
RRepresentative
Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News?
RRepresentative
We would like to give you $26 million. Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you.
RRepresentative
I represent an organization called Gieco. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.
Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper.
RRepresentative
We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Gieco.
That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid?
RRepresentative
Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage?
Us us us, stick it up your ass!
RRepresentative
Hm. Well, they said you'd be tough. Do you really think you can stop ads?
RRepresentative
You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we try to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [gets shot in the back of his head and killed by Officer Barbrady]
Come with me if you want to live! Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious!
Do you want to explain to me what "pussy crushing" is?
Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! It's just a way to pick up on young women?!
Sh-Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are.
I don't want you going over there anymore!
I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!
McKinsey, you got consent forms?
MMcKinsey
Oh, yeah! Right here, bro! [hands consent forms to him]
Rise and shine, guys! If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms! [the bros hand over their forms] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you—whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.
BBarker
Yeah, uh, s-sorry, it's right here.
PBPC Bro
[runs to PC Principal Peter Charles] Bro!! Aw, dude, bro!! Peter Charles!
What, bro? Bro! Robert! You're here! Aw! It's so good to see you. Tell me what happened.
PBPC Bro
Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.
PBPC Bro
And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.
PBPC Bro
So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! [he shows the paper to PC Principal Peter Charles which headline reads "'PC' STANDS FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"; he grabs paper]
What the heck is this, bro?
PBPC Bro
Peter Charles Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!
PBPC Bro
I KNOW, Peter Charles BRO!!! WE'RE BEING TOTALLY VICTIMIZED!!!
I KNOW THAT LITTLE SUCKER, DUDE!!!
[Fairplay Motel room; Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, and Caitlyn Jenner have Randy tied up in a chair for interrogation]
[as Mr. Garrison splashes water on him] Hey, fuck you.
Garrison? What the hell is wrong with you?
I'll tell you what's wrong with me. There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts-and-foods district called Shi Tpa Town?
All right, it was kind of my idea.
What? To take one area of town that was crappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained!
It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [takes out an album book] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north of downtown into NODOFOPA. A run-down area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SOCACHEYWO. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.
LODO, SOBRO, RIVMO… All happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!
In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a much larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.
[Lunchtime in the school cafeteria]
Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?
He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him; Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]
Well what are you guys talking about?
Stan's calling you a traitor.
Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.
And why do you think that, Stan?!
Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!
Wuh huh, that's a good point.
I am loving this right now.
My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!
It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!
Hohh that's low. [smiles]
Don't you dare call me a Cartman!
N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!
[talking in Cartman's voice] FUCK YOU, KYLE! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]
[Cartman's house, night]
Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed!
Yeah, I just wanna finish this movie.
No, Eric! This is a school night!
Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax.
You most certainly are! Right now, mister!
[hops off the sofa and aims his gun at her] I will go to bed when this movie is over, Mom!
Eric, where did you get that?
Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up.
Eric, you march right up to your room, and you-
Eric, you get your butt to bed!
[draws her gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now!
Whoa, Mom, what the hell?
I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time for night-night!
[advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you!
Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her]
Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him]
I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward]
Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie.
Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard]
[caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen]
