[meets PC Principal] Oh, PC Principal. How are you today?
Doing good. What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?
You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention, and... you're going to apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.
What the frack are you talking about?
It's just a request, that's all. See you around. Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks up a pair of underwear] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs it] Why, this is Butters's underwear.
PC Principal, you have Butters's underwear? And now— [sloshes underwear in the urinal] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?
[pause] What did you just say?
You mean about keeping your dick out?
"Capiche"? You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! You better watch your microaggressions, bro!
O-Kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, do you?
Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up]
Okay, let's back up. [gets slammed against the stall] AAAHHH! [PC Principal slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror]
Wait a second. DID YOU JUST SAY "SPOKESMAN" INSTEAD OF "SPOKESPERSON"? WHEN WOMEN ARE JUST AS CAPABLE OF SELLING SANDWICHES AS ANYONE? [smashes Cartman into the mirror] ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO USE WORDS THAT ASSERT YOUR MALE PRIVILEGE? [smashes Cartman's head into a sink]
No, I'm sorry! I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!
DO YOU THINK ITALIAN-AMERICANS AND WOMEN ARE LESS IMPORTANT? [throws Cartman on the floor]
[punches Cartman to a bloody pulp] YOU DARE USE WORDS THAT ALIENATE TWO COMMUNITIES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DEAL WITH VERBAL BIASES LIKE YOURS ON A DAILY BASIS?
[South Park Elementary; Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students]
Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to cross the border and screw up our country! I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters. [the Canadian students begin to clamor; puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, (you) in the orange shirt.
CKCanadian Kid #1
The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, and they reached a new millennium, friend, and rather-
[irritated] Oh, speak in English! [turns around and begins writing on the chalkboard] You see, what happened is that these immigrants called the Goths were welcomed into Roman territories because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play "Feels So Good" by Chuck Mangione; turns around] What the hell are you doing? [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]
CKCanadian Kid #2
It's 8:00 A.M., guy.
[loses his temper, then throws his notes, and the chalk] That's it! Why don't you canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]
Where has my country gone?
Where has my country gone?
It was a land of opportunity that we held dear
But now all these other assholes are coming here.
And where's my country gone?
It was just here like, two seconds ago
Cause when they said that this was the land of the free
I'm pretty sure that they were referring to me.
And my country's gone!
It got upset and now it's wandered away
It took forty-three Presidents to make us stand tall
And just one black guy to unravel it all.
Country gone!
Please tell it that we need her back home
There's a great big hole in the liberty bucket
Cause someone forgot to tell the foreigners to suck it
And now they're all hanging out on my lawn...
[three Canadians play "Feels So Good" with their flugelhorns]
And now they're ruining my song
Making it sound like Chuck Mangione
Where's my country gone?
All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!! Now where was I? Oh. yeah. We've asked students of Canadian origin To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]
CKCanadian Kids 1
We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]
CKCanadian Kids 2
We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]
Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!
Garrison, what do you think you're—?!
And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!
[beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!
Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's f**k them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!
[Later in the school hallway, the Canadian kids walk off angrily]
Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.
Can you really blame them?
CPCanadian President
[dances to the song, sees Mr. Garrison come in and stops] What?? [turns off the music] Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!
I came here to find out where my country gone!
CPCanadian President
Where your country gone? Where'd my country gone?!
No, where MY country gone, bitch?!
CPCanadian President
Nobody talks to me like that, buddy! [goes around his desk]
Nobody talks to me like that, friend! [they begin to fight on the carpet] Eurgh! Yeah?
CPCanadian President
Stupid-! Unh!
CPCanadian President
This is why I built that wall!
You think you can-? Hey! Here you go! Here you go! Look, guy, I came here to do one thing!
CPCanadian President
Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddy! Aah!
CPCanadian President
Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!
I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "shitheads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]
Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.
[everyone immediately starts chattering in awe and uncertainty]
It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.
We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!
And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!
I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.
Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!
Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the Sodomy project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [the McCormicks pause; Stuart stands]
Yeah, I got concerns! I don't want you touching my darn house!!
We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area.
What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine!
Stuart, come on. Your house sucks.
Buck you! If you people want to turn something into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house!
WWWhistlin' Willy
Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoying this pizza?
MFMale Food Critic
Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son!
FFFemale Food Critic
Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son!
BFBoy Food Critic
(gets an angry face) One-star!
DGDiner Guy
Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp.
WWWhistlin' Willy
(finally seems to snap as he gets enraged) THAT DOES IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! All you Yelp reviewers, get the hell out of here! I don't care what happens to my business, I ain't kissing yo' asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the FUCK out of here!!
DDennis
Careful now, Bill. You don't want a one-star review.
WWWhistlin' Willy
(comes to him) YOU'RE NOT A FOOD CRITIC, DENNIS, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' MECHANIC! NOW, GET THE FUCK OUT!!! GO ON!! ALL YOU YELPING SONS OF BITCHES, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! (Yelpers begin to stream out of the Whistlin' Willy's Restaurant]
MFMale Food Critic
You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way.
WWWhistlin' Willy
You get the f-- GET THE FUCK OUT!!! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door. He slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later.]
WWWhistlin' Willy
You too, son of a bitch!
WHOA! HEY! [Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too and slams the door]
[to the eight Asian girls in the school lobby as they're drawing; holding up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it] Uh, excuse me, why are you doing this?
AGAsian Girl #1
Oh, hi, Craig. [speaking Korean to another Asian girl] He's wearing a different shirt today.
AGAsian Girl #2
[also speaking Korean] How do you know what's underneath his jacket?
AGAsian Girl #3
I don't know. That was Korean. I'm Japanese.
What is going on, huh?! Me and him aren't together! Why is this happening?!
