The Simpsons · Season 7
[Nelson tries to sell Milhouse's glasses in a pawn shop]
These lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. [Starts counting money] Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred... [A blind Milhouse knocks over the display of Coke bottles and breaks them] ...Five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero!
[Kicks them out of the store]
[Nelson smacks Milhouse for fiddling with the car's radio too much]
OW! Bart, Nelson hit me!
He sure did.
[voice only, inside the crate] Hey, we really could use another air hole!
I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. :[Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!
Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. :[reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Misuse of the cadavers...
I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
Say Barn. Uh, remember when I said I had to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
[laughs] Oh yeah. We all had a good laugh Moe.
The results came back in. [picks up a huge stack of paper and reads it] "You owe me $70 billion."
Hmmm?!
Wait no that was for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab is $14 billion.
All's I got is 2,000 bucks.
Well that's halfway there. [puts the money in the cash register just as Snake bursts through the door]
Freeze, Dude! Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off!
[Moe heads into a room where he is protected]
I'm behind 3 inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst!
All right. [opens the cash register and takes Moe's money]
No! Stay out of there! Oh! Good God! No! [turns on and off the light many times]
Ho! Goodbye student loan payments! Ha! Ha! [leaves Moe's Tavern]
Come back here you..! Hey I wonder how much air is in here? [faints]
[ Snake stops at a red light and sees Chief Wiggum crossing the street]
Doughnuts, I got doughnuts. I got, hey I know you.
[Snake wrecks his car while trying to run him down, then escapes on foot]
Hey come back, we gotta swap insurance info.
[Apu gets back to the Kwik-E-Mart and unlocks the door]
You took away 4 minutes of my life and I want them back. [pauses] Eh, I'd only waste them anyway.
[episode has ended]
[comes running up holding a sign that says The Tomfoolery of Professor Frink] Uh, ah, uh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head [end credits start] Uh, no wait, please no, please I have a funny story! I even wrote theme music! [sings] Professor Frink, Professor Frink. He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think. He likes to run and then the thing with the... um, person..... Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.
Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.
[After the Brazilian assassin bursts in and opens fire on the retirement home common area]
Was that me or was that you?
Dickety? Highly dubious!
What are you cackling at, fatty?! Too much pie, that's your problem!
Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
[Grampa's suspenders suddenly snap with a loud "boing!", revealing his underwear]
...How long was that?
[dressed as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.
[Grampa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns.]
Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.
The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
