[Mr. Burns has called in an elderly strikebreaking team led by Grampa Simpson.]
Grampa
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. [other strikebreakers mutter in agreement] One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville: I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because o' the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Now, Burnsie, there's one thing we don't stand for in the Hellfish, and that's trying to kill your commanding officer. So consider this your dishonorable discharge: You're out of my unit. You're out of the tontine. And that means the paintings are mine! Private, you are dismissed!
Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.
Oh, heck no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girl from high school. It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.
It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talkin' about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
[Lisa angrily throws the doll out the living room window. Cut to Grampa Simpson riding a bike down the street]
Grampa Simpson
Look at me! I'm acting young!
[The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bicycle. Grampa Simpson flies off screaming past a blur of colors until he lands in an open grave at a cemetery. Two grave diggers having lunch turn around to see what the commotion is, then resume eating]
Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could’ve been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
Grampa
Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
[gets out of the car] I'm going to get out of the car and I hope you find it in your heart not to drive aw-
[Homer drives off, preventing Grampa from finishing his sentence]
Grampa
Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. [scene cuts to middle of the night with Grampa still stranded on the same stretch of open road] Dang! [a lone wolf is heard howling in the distance]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
Grampa
