The Simpsons · Season 7
Good Lord Smithers, you look atrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.
Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.
Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
But I think the dodo went extinct.
Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!
He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Huh?
He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
[Bart and Chester are visiting Lionel Hutz' law firm in order to hire him as their attorney.]
All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a $1,000 retainer.
A thousand dollars?! But your ad says "no money down"! [hands Hutz a cut-out of his newspaper ad, which says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY" and "NO MONEY DOWN"]
[chuckles] Oh, they got this all screwed up. [takes a pen and scribbles on the piece of paper Bart handed him, before showing that it now says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY? NO, MONEY DOWN!"]
So you don't work on a contingency basis?
No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either. [rips off the bottom half of the ad and eats it]
I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back at 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!
Those corn muffins were lousy!
Paint my chicken coop!
Make me!
[Abe comes across the table and the old men begin fighting.]
That does it! One of them has to go!
Okay, Grampa.
No, the B-U-M.
Oh...
Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called "animation genius" before?
Yes, I have!
You have?!
I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, BUT HE NEVER DID IT!
Those blintzes were terrible!
PAINT MY FENCE!
Make me!
[charges at Chester and starts punching him] YOU GIVE ME BACK THOSE BLINTZES, THEN!
Order, order! We don't care about your blintzes!
[Krusty frowns at Snyder. It is now turn for the prosecutor to call Chester to the bar]
Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character...
Objection.
Sustained.
Urgh! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream!
Objection.
Sustained.
[Hutz screams. He gave his word, Chester claims]
Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all.
[Watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy".]
What the hell is this?
It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!
Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren’t for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn’t have The Flintstones. If someone hadn’t ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there’d be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum [Chief Wiggum stares at Roger Meyers], Yogi Bear, hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? [points to Marge in the galley] Her?
How about...Ghost Mutt?
Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.
Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
Oh, Sir Lies-a-lot, I will! [they kiss before Sir Lies-a-lot pulls away to growl seductively]
Unhand thee swine, you swain! Come, Piggy, back to Hamelot!
Not now, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted. [Sir Lies-a-lot draws his sword and starts dueling the knight with very stiff and awkward coreography]
[watching the movie, bored] Dad, what's a Muppet?
Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [starts laughing, then stops] So to answer your question, I don't know.
[in the movie, there is a closeup of Troy McClure's face, and he is extremely wrinkly]
Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?
That's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.
Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!
What are you talking about?
You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard--
Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!
Troy McClure?! You said he was dead!
No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see--
Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.
Troy, Mac Parker! Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes?
Uh, the movie or the planet?
The brand new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring... as the human.
It's the part I was born to play, baby!
[to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? [uncomfortable pause] Oh, come on! Guess which one.
I know! I know! It's Selma, right?
Doughnut?
No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
[in awe] What is this place?
Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.
[Homer makes a crank call to Moes]
Hello, I'd like to speak to with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura?
Eura Snotball?
What?! How dare you?! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
[after Lisa tells him about Bart's problem; his face turns a weird shade of red and he is unnervingly calm] Yes... that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[He turns to the wall, puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out muffled obscenities, then removes the hood and turns to face Lisa, eerily calm again.]
All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
No! Then he'll know I told!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
