[the lamp got knocked over] I am not cleaning that. Oh, who am I kidding?
S3Homer Alone
[as Bart & Lisa were stuck inside Patty & Selma's station wagon]
Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
Don't worry about yourself. We've got six months of maternity leave so we'll never gonna use anyway.
Homer, can you bring Maggie out?
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
...In your bed?
Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes!
[The sisters leave]
I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams]
[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV]
[standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
Uh-huh.
But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [exits the picture via a hang glider]
[picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!
Oh, man; you want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these! [hands out a spiked shell]
[finding out Maggie disappeared from the crib] Barney, I've lost the baby! It's the worst thing I've ever done!
S3Bart the Lover
[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table]
Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Hell, no.
[The rest of the Flanders all gasp]
[sternly] What did you say?
I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
All right, that's it, young man! No Bible Stories for you tonight!
[Todd runs upstairs crying]
Weren't you a little hard on him?
Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer]
Oh...fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... [turns red in anger] but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse]
[Marge and Lisa arrive, towing a brand-new doghouse in a wagon]
Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.
Where'd you get the money?
Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.
[Maggie crawls out]
Maggie. Oh. Cute.
No, behind her!
[reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff and gasps] Beer! How did you know?
[About Bart's fake love letters to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.
No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! [writing on paper] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
We'll all help.
[Later]
"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."
That sucks. How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?
That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
I may hold you to that, Marge.
[Even later]
Okay, okay - "I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."
[imitates buzzer] EEGH! "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."
Three simple words: "I am gay!"
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
[Even later, as Maggie sleeps]
"And anytime I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name 'Edna'."
[writing it down] Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
"P.S., I am gay."
[Marge and Lisa grumble]
How shall we end it?
How about "with a love that will echo through the ages"?
BLBart and Lisa
[impressed] Awww!
Oh, that's sweet!
Homer, you old honey-dripper!
S3Homer at the Bat
You're Daryl Strawberry.
DSDarryl Strawberry
Yes.
You play right field.
DSDarryl Strawberry
Yes.
I play right field too.
DSDarryl Strawberry
So?
Well, are you better than me?
DSDarryl Strawberry
Well, I never met you, but...yes.
[At Moe's]
And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
BBoggs
Pitt the Elder!
[stands up] LORD PALMERSTON!!
BBoggs
[pokes Barney in the chest] PITT...THE...ELDER!!!
OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]
MMoe
Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.
LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]
[sees Roger Clemens acting like a chicken] That damn hypnotist! [to hypnotist] You! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association.
S3Separate Vocations
[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth]
I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?
Whaddya got?!
[Skinner is aghast to see Lisa becoming a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]
[Bart takes the fall for Lisa stealing the answer keys]
I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker."
[grumbles in irritation] Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days' detention.
Eh, four hundred days? I can do that standing on my head.
All right, five hundred days!
[chuckling] Ooh, big man!
Six hundred days!
Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
[as the new hall monitor] Let's go, Simpson.
Bart, why did you take the blame?
'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You've got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
S3Dog of Death
Why didn't you tell the rest of us? [turns red in anger] Why did you keep it a secret?! [angrily points to Bart] If you were 17, we'd be rich. But no, you had to be ten.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.