The Simpsons · Season 2
[about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.
Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
What?
COOOOOOOOOL!!!
[rides across the gorge with Bart's skateboard] I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo, I- [he almost reaches the end of the gorge, screams as he falls down, onto several jagged rocks, until hits the bottom of the gorge, Bart's skateboard hits him in his head]
[sees Itchy and Scratchy on TV and Maggie is imitating Itchy's moves using a pencil] So television is responsible. [turns off the TV]
Hey, we were watching that!
Mom, what are you doing?!
Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever!
But Mom! If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
Really? What kind of robots?
Hi, kids! [Laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel? [Mel slides his whistle] It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
Booooooo!
Hey, hey! Settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment again.
Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment in all of this?
Uh...well, Kent...to me, the hijinks of a few cartoon characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm-I'm referring it to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.
So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?
No, not at all. In fact...one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of butter popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy and...laugh myself silly. And the hell is wrong with that?
Hey, Simpson. I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.
If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...
Simpson!
Aah!
Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
Uh-oh.
[While spying on Homer and Marge in the next room, Burns almost feels like he's having a panic attack when he hears Homer abrasively refusing his settlement]
I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot! The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million! $500,000, I spit at his $500,000! [attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. He tries to clean off the chair]
[losing her patience with Homer's behavior] Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!
[realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!
Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!
[reappearing on the scene with Smithers, and gets the check to tear it up] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds!
[The hounds chased Homer and Marge out of the mansion]
[At the trial the next day, everyone is shocked when Mr. Burns' lawyer calls Marge to the witness stand]
Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Mmm...Yes, I do.
She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
[cringes] D'oh, the truth.
[walks up to her] Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?
Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo all with competence, love and care.
But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him? [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant] Mrs. Simpson!
[trying to plead the fifth] I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Will that hold up in court?
[glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.
Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
No way, because I'm not dying!
The second is anger.
[furiously] Why you little...! [shouts madly]
After that comes fear.
[worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Bargaining.
Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Finally acceptance.
Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
[Bart calls Moe's Tavern]
Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
Why so glum?
[sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.
[Back to the present]
And I never have.
Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his instant pizza-pie.
Today's topic will be Hell.
Ooh.
All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.
Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.
[raises his hand] Oh, Miss Albright.
Yes, Bart.
Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
No. [Bart raises his hand] Yes, Bart.
Are there pirates in hell?
Yes. Thousands of them.
[rubs his hands] Hoo hoo, baby!
So kids what did you learn about today?
Hell.
BART!
What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?
Kid's got a point, Marge.
Hell yes!
Bart.
[sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
