Blue-Haired Lawyer quotes from The Simpsons ... TV Quotes Database

[At the trial the next day, everyone is shocked when Mr. Burns' lawyer calls Marge to the witness stand]

BBailiff

Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Marge

Mmm...Yes, I do.

Hutz

She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer

[cringes] D'oh, the truth.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

[walks up to her] Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Marge

Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo all with competence, love and care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him? [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant] Mrs. Simpson!

Marge

[trying to plead the fifth] I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Homer

Will that hold up in court?

Hutz

[glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

S2 Bart Gets Hit by a Car

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Blue-Haired Lawyer

But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"

Sideshow Bob

No, that's German for "The Bart, The."

JJuror

No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

S5 Cape Feare

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[In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]

Scratchy

Well, look who's here!

IItchy

Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?

PPoochie

Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying...] I have to go now. My planet needs me.

[The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]

Bart

Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

Lisa

Uh, I guess...

Homer

Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]

Krusty

Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]

Blue-Haired Lawyer

This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]

S8 The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

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JJudge

Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity - a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.

Blue Haired Lawyer

Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--

LLenny

[points to window] There's the angel!

[Murmuring]

[The courtroom empties]

JJudge

I find the defendant not guilty. As for science vs. religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from science at all times.

S9 Lisa the Skeptic

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Bart

I want a divorce from my parents.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

You WHA?!

Bart

I said I want a divorce from my parents.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.

YYuwah

Yes, sir.