The Simpsons quotes

Say Barn. Uh, remember when I said I had to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?

Barney

[laughs] Oh yeah. We all had a good laugh Moe.

The results came back in. [picks up a huge stack of paper and reads it] "You owe me $70 billion."

Barney

Hmmm?!

Wait no that was for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab is $14 billion.

Barney

All's I got is 2,000 bucks.

Well that's halfway there. [puts the money in the cash register just as Snake bursts through the door]

Freeze, Dude! Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off!

I'm behind 3 inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst!

All right. [opens the cash register and takes Moe's money]

No! Stay out of there! Oh! Good God! No! [turns on and off the light many times]

Ho! Goodbye student loan payments! Ha! Ha! [leaves Moe's Tavern]

Come back here you..! Hey I wonder how much air is in here? [faints]

Doughnuts, I got doughnuts. I got, hey I know you.

Hey come back, we gotta swap insurance info.

Hans Moleman

You took away 4 minutes of my life and I want them back. [pauses] Eh, I'd only waste them anyway.

Professor Frink

[comes running up holding a sign that says The Tomfoolery of Professor Frink] Uh, ah, uh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head [end credits start] Uh, no wait, please no, please I have a funny story! I even wrote theme music! [sings] Professor Frink, Professor Frink. He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think. He likes to run and then the thing with the... um, person..... Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.

Bart

Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Mr. Burns

Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.

Jasper

Was that me or was that you?

Martin

Dickety? Highly dubious!

Grampa

What are you cackling at, fatty?! Too much pie, that's your problem!

Mr. Burns

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

Grampa

...How long was that?

[dressed as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.

Bart

Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.

Grampa

The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

Bart

Grampa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?

Grampa

You're a give-'em-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education. You could've made sergeant!

Grampa

Now, Burnsie, there's one thing we don't stand for in the Hellfish, and that's trying to kill your commanding officer. So consider this your dishonorable discharge: You're out of my unit. You're out of the tontine. And that means the paintings are mine! Private, you are dismissed!

I'd hug you, but I know it would just embarrass you.

Bart

I don't care who knows I love my grandpa.

Hey funboys, get a room!

Marge

What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

[speaking in a forced American accent rather than his natural Indian accent] Hey there, Homer. How's it hanging?

Homer

[walks past Apu] Low and lazy, so- [backs up and squints at Apu] Say something again.

Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now. You see, it turns out [shows Homer the fake ID he purchased from Fat Tony earlier] I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plum forgot about it. [forced laughter] Say, let's take a relaxed attitute toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY [pronounces it like the word "nigh"] Mets are my favorite squadron.

Homer

[notices that the statue of Ganesha that Apu previously had standing on the counter has been replaced by a magazine rack] Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.

[hesitates] Oh, yeah. What was I thinking with that? Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got [takes a magazine off the rack, voice gets progressively louder and more agitated as his natural accent returns] Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes?! [tosses the magazine aside] Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir! What would my parents think of me now? [he looks at the magazine he threw aside, as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman on the cover speak in the voices of Apu's parents, repeating what they told him before he left for America]

Make us proud, son.

Never forget who you are.