Grandpa quotes from The Simpsons

[Looking out the airplane window at the landing crew] Wow, we must be really flying high. Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.

Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and...what are you doing with that gun?!

I was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets.

What are you doing tonight?

Sitting alone in my room.

Oh well, you've got plans already.

No, what were you going to say?

Oh nothing.

Oh Abe, you were going to say something.

Well, I was wondering if you and I, you know, might go to the same place at the same time and...Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

[takes his hand] I'd love to.

Lisa

Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?

I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Lisa

Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?

Snake did.

Bart

And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?

I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Freeze. FBI. The jig is up.

Alright, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby! Wah! Wah! Goo-goo. I missed my fly-fly, dada!

Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?

A little from column A, a little from column B.

Bart

Look at that hunk of junk.

Grampa

[sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.

Bart

How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?

I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

I'd hug you, but I know it would just embarrass you.

Bart

I don't care who knows I love my grandpa.

Hey funboys, get a room!

Selma

Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?

We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, [in a creepy voice] then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! [sinister zoom-in] They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.

Son, is that you?

Homer

No.