TV show quotes
Please identify this object.
It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
Because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
Uh... partial credit.
All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international played a signi-
Hey, hey...
Yeah.
Just, just say slavery.
Slavery it is, sir.
Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and all of a sudden I'm uncool.
Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh, man!
[1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing".]
[off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!
[off-key] I wanna dance the night away! [Abraham enters the scene]
What the hell are you two doin'?!
It's called "rocking out"!
You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it.
I used to be "with it". But then they changed what it was! Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me. [points sinisterly at Homer] It'll happen to you!
[Homer shrugs off Abraham, looks at his reflection in the mirror happily]
No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' forever! Forever! Forever!
[fades to his dejected self in the mirror at present day]
[dejected] Forever... forever... forever...
I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy!
Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business.
That's fine for you, Marge, but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
[During one of Homer's freak show performances.]
Oh look, there's that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Are you being sarcastic, dude?
[after a pause] I don't even know any more...
[Homer informs Marge he want to join the Pageant of the Transmundane.]
So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
Of course you have a choice.
How do you figure?
You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. [Homer pauses for a beat]
You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.
[Backstage at the Springfield Hullabalooza show, a backstage assistant enters with a group of musicians in tow.]
May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high!! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction!!!
[The Cypress Hill members talk among themselves for a bit.]
Uh, yeah, I think we did...um, do you guys know "Insane in the Brain"?
We mostly know classical... but we could give it a shot.
[The track drops for "Insane In The Brain", and Cypress Hill dances as the symphony orchestra starts to play its own interpretation.]
Now, this, I like.
Well, did you call one of your friends?
Friends? Hah! These are my only friends. Grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
So, you like hanging out?
Well, it beats doin' stuff.
Totally. Stuff sucks.
[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store.]
Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what? Make it two.
My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by a— [sees the only other customer in the store walk out the door] follow me.
[Homer follows the store clerk to his secret stash of illegal fireworks]
Any red-blooded, flag-fearing American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
All right.
[Lisa is eating in the kitchen and Marge is in the background. Bart enters]
Hey Lis. [sits beside her] I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself. [Marge leaves]
[Grabs Bart by his shirt and whispers to him] I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! [grabs a syrup bottle] You cost me my only friends! [holds the bottle on top of Bart's head, threatening him] You've ruined my life! [squeezes the bottle, but Marge re-enters the room. Lisa starts eating again and Bart looks at Lisa scared]
Hey kids! there's a carnival tonight!
[appears from behind a cereal box] Oh boy, a carnival!
[Marge is looking through the grocery bag filled with embarrassing hygiene and sexual products Homer bought at the convenience store.]
Ew, Homer. Whatever you're planning for tonight, count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
[patting the giant firework] Hee, hee, hee! This baby's sure to kill somethin'!
This is the worst Fourth of July ever. I hate America!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
