TV show quotes
Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-
Bart!
[Last lines of episode]
Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know. [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them]
Can you please make me thin again?
I guarantee it.
[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are out in the exercise yard. Homer strains, trying to to a sit-up.]
1. 1. 1! [throws down his megaphone in frustration] Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.
Woo-hoo!
[After Homer has seemingly been sucked to his death in a hydro-electric turbine]
Smithers, who was that corpse?
Homer Simpson, sir. [tearfully] One of the finest, bravest men to ever grace Sector 7-G... [calmly] I'll cross him off the list.
[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I never visit, I'm just not a cemetery person. [reads tombstone engraving] "Here...lies..."
[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
Walt Whitman?! Arrrrgggghh!!! Damn you, Walt Whitman! [kicking the stone] I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! Leaves of Grass, my ass!
[The FBI storm the Simpson house, looking for Mona.]
Freeze. FBI. The jig is up.
Alright, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby! Wah! Wah! Goo-goo. I missed my fly-fly, dada!
Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?
A little from column A, a little from column B.
[Reading Homer's tombstone upside down] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Yea, better start with Greek Town.
[Mona and Abe meet for the first time since Mona has come back]
Oh, Abe... you've aged terribly.
[to Mona] Well, what do you expect?! You left me to raise the boy on my own!
[to Grampa] I had to leave! You didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!
It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never, ever forgive you! [beat] Can we have sex? Please?
[In the post office]
Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?
[as she is leaving] Don't worry, Homer. You will always be a part of me. [hits her head on the van] D'oh!
[As the Simpsons enter the air show the squeaky voiced teen is standing at the gate in an Air Force uniform, directing traffic.]
Way to guard the parking lot, top gun.
I have three medals for this!
What in the World According to Garp? Those are my dress towels! [starts banging door] Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in!
[writing down notes with an exaggerated accent] The door already is closed.
What?! This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap! If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!
You say you're in the military?
Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!
Authorization code.
Code?! Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! This fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura! Now get down there with the chamois triple-time!
But Colonel, I'm under restricted orders...
Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a... [cringing] snot party.
Sir, right away, sir!
[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Look at that hunk of junk.
[sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.
[speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
What?
Surely he's not talking about VH1.
Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!
Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Oh, and one more thing-- I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?
No need, sir. We'll find that head case faster than Garfield finds lasagne. [pause] Oh..I'm..sorry. My wife thought that was gang busters.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
