Sideshow Bob quotes from The Simpsons

Sideshow Bob

Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen.

Sideshow Bob

I'm sorry for the imbroglio, but if the chef de cuisine insists on calling it Taco Tuesdays, he can't very well serve flautas and expect us not to make a fuss.

Homer

Is that a good siren? Am I approved?

Bob

You ever known a siren to be good? [chuckles] No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.

Homer

Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.

Bob

Take it easy, there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.

What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.

Homer

The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call them "The Gruesome Twosome."

Sideshow Bob

[disguised as Krusty] Ow! My foot, you lousy stupid clumsy...!!!

Homer

Sorry, pal. [gasps in horror when he notices Krusty holding a handgun and dives head first into a potato chip display]

Sideshow Bob

[disguised as Krusty and drawing his gun at Apu] Hand over all your money in a paper bag!

Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know. [hands over a paper bag after which Krusty flees] You can emerge now from my chips. [Homer peaks his head] The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Sideshow Bob

[in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!

Bart

Take him away, boys.

Sideshow Bob

[being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

Krusty

And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers, Colonel Coward, Pepito the Biggest Cat in the Whole Wide World, Sideshow Bob and Suck-Up the Vacuum.

Sideshow Bob

This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

Krusty

Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Sideshow Bob

No-talent shill!

Krusty

Second banana!

Sideshow Bob

Panderer!

Krusty

Bore!

Sideshow Bob

Stop it! Release me!

Krusty

Uh, now for the highlight of the evening: Best Film-to-Video Transfer.

Selma

That MacGyver's a genius!

Sideshow Bob

First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!

Selma

You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!

Sideshow Bob

No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!

Selma

NO! [runs out, sobbing]

AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!

Bart

You wrote me those letters!

Marge

You awful man! Stay away from my son!

Sideshow Bob

[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!

Homer

Oh no!

Sideshow Bob

Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.

Marge

No!

Blue-Haired Lawyer

But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"

Sideshow Bob

No, that's German for "The Bart, The."

No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Now, don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. [Holsters a gun]

[whining] C'mon, leave town!

Sideshow Bob

No.

I'll be your friend!

Sideshow Bob

No.

Oh, you're mean!

Chief Wiggum

Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.

Sideshow Bob

[furious] By Lucifer's beard!

Chief Wiggum

Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

Sideshow Bob

You see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated.

Bob

Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder." Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"? Do they? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now, this is a personal call!

Sideshow Bob

There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?

Bart

We want the truth!

Sideshow Bob

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!

But why?

Sideshow Bob

Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king. That's why I did it- to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.

Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest!

Sideshow Bob

What...? Oh, right, all that stuff I did.

What in the World According to Garp? Those are my dress towels! [starts banging door] Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in!

Sideshow Bob

[writing down notes with an exaggerated accent] The door already is closed.

What?! This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap! If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!

Sideshow Bob

You say you're in the military?

Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!