TV show quotes
Alright, Bob, it's over. Come out with your hands up.
Noooo! How did they find me?
[The Duff blimp's variable message sign alerts the police to Sideshow Bob's hideout]
[Sideshow Bob deflates the blimp and kidnaps Bart]
[constricted] He's getting away!
Not the Harrier! We've got a war tommorow.
[sitting in the cockpit of an F-15 and pretending to fire its weapons] Take that, Mom! [presses a button] Take that, Dad! [presses another] Send me to a psychiatrist, will you?! Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler! [presses several buttons in rapid succession and is suddenly and violently ejected from the cockpit]
[A drumroll sounds]
Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium — it's the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular!
[Trumpet fanfare as Troy McClure walks on]
[walking on] Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show." Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family. You'll see long lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favourite episodes, old fav routes you can't see in syndication. [Clips of MG07, 8F13, 2F20, and 9F03 run quickly] So join me, won't you, for the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular.
"The Simpsons" began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening, [screen shows a bald man with an eyepatch saluting in front of a US flag and looking menacing] the already-famous creator of such comics as "Damnation", "Johnny Reb", and "True Murder Stories". [screen shows each] In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L. Brooks [shot if 8F01-esque rich man surrounded by bags of money] and Sam Simon. [shot of Howard Hughes-esque naked man typing in bed] And what better place to premiere their creation that on "The Tracy Ullman Show", the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers? On April 19, 1987, America first met "The Simpsons".
[Troy has a look of disbelieving incredulity on his face. He laughs]
[observes] They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons.
As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for "Captain Wacky", later renamed "Homer".
Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." [harsh] You've got some attitude, mister! Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes, episodes run long, and certain scenes never get aired. So fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever, are the cut-out classics.
[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]
I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]
Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Changed my mind, sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes.]
Cooooool...
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
[voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.
[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]
Bart, you're coming home!
I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!
[threateningly] I suggest you leave immediately.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!
"My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
[Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer]
Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!
[A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty"]
Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. [continues dancing]
Smithers, he's out of control!
I'll take him out, sir. [extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently]
His ass is gonna blow!
[Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate].
This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" [Pause] Then they found out it was the baby. [Long pause and cough] To keep this bombshell secret, the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air.
[One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?.]
And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.
[People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mr. Burns.]
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.
Aww!
But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence [chuckles] and that would be downright nutty! [The camera shows two photos of the Simpson family, one from an early Tracy Ullman short, the other from a mid-1990s episode] Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!
Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
BART!
Young man, in this house we use a little word called "please".
[as Bart contemplates stealing a copy of Bonestorm, he imagines several video game characters giving him advice]
Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm.
The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
Duh, it's the company's fault for makin' ya want it so much.
Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
Just take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! TAKE IT!
If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
